A religious experience

Sometimes I go to a concert that completely reconfirms my belief in music. Last night was one of these.
Sigur Ros.

I wish I was a writer so that I could describe this concert in words.

Jonsi's voice kind of washes over you as though you were standing under a waterfall. It's heavy and intense. You find yourself breathing in time with the drums. You close your eyes and let your head fall back. You want to open your arms and hold the sound. But you can't so it punches you in the chest and makes you gasp. There is nothing else but this sound. It's not even pretty or comforting now... it's almost painful. You close your eyes tighter to block it out when you think you can't take any more and you feel like you will fall over. And then it stops. And you breathe normally again. And then you smile.

http://download.sigur-ros.co.uk/sigur_ros_untitled8.mp3

Purpose

I've been reading other people's blogs again.

People who I don't even know.

People who may not even exist for all I know.

But the weird thing is, I take comfort in their blogs and I find them strangely inspiring.

The thing about these blogs I like is these people have a purpose. And whatever shit happens to them along the way, they are still on the way to something. I think maybe I should try this.

So... a purpose... hmmmm.
I guess I could go with the obvious one: become a successful singer.
So now I just need a plan (hey, this is easy! Why didn't I think of this earlier? My life could've been so much simpler!)

Okay... think... plan...

Step one:

Find some good musicians.
Okay, I can do this. I'll put some ads up around the Uni's, ask some musician friends. Yeah, this step is definitely achievable.

Step two:

Write some songs.
I even have a few up my sleeve already. I just need to bribe some nice young English boy to let me use his piano regularly and I can do this too.

(So far so good...)

Step three:

Rehearse the songs.
So this is where it starts to become tricky. To achieve this I need musicians willing to rehearse and a room bigger enough to fit them all in.

Step four:

Record demo.
This will require some organising and money on my part. Need a studio, an sound engineer and money to pay for both.

Step five:

Take promotional shots.
This is easy - hire Kati.

Step six:

Get gigs.
This is the point that I always fall down. This requires a lot of sellling myself. Lots of smiling at the right people. Hand shaking. Hassling venues. Haggling about money. Organising sound checks, equipment, payment. Making sure lots of people come and enjoy themselves. And then come the following week too. More smiling. More of the same conversations. More selling.

BUT...
I'll try it anyway.

Stay tuned...

Glad to Be Unhappy

There has been so much talk about LOVE in my circle of friends at the moment. Some want it, some have it but don't want it, some don't realise they have it and still think they want it, and some just don't want it. Well, to be honest, I don't think anyone doesn't want it... they just pretend they don't.
But I'm not talking about the general LOVE that is enjoyed by all, but the romantic LOVE that seems to be only enjoyed my masochists.
To be in LOVE is to be in constant fear that it might end. It's like a drug. You know it's bad for you because you can't control it, but for those few minutes when you get your hit... it's like being under heaven's spotlight. But when the light fades and life intrudes, LOVE becomes a hassle. Those who have it sit in their smug little towers and try desperately not to leave them. Those who don't spend their time trying to scale the walls and be allowed in, while trying not to seem to desperate. Both states require so much work!
Unrequited LOVE is the answer. Just LOVE someone who won't ever LOVE you back. You get all the anguish of not having someone LOVE you, but with all the smugness of being in LOVE. People feel sorry for you, but secretly jealous because you are in complete control of this LOVE. You don't have to worry about the other person's feelings because you already know they don't exist, therefore they won't change. If you decide not to be in LOVE anymore, then that's easy too because you have nothing invested in this person. And it's a great excuse to give unwanted suitors.
So, I am going to start suggesting all my friends find someone to be in LOVE with, but someone completely unobtainable. So then we'll all be happily miserable ever after!

Lyrics to Glad to be Unhappy by Rodgers and Hart.

"Fools rush in, so here I am
Very glad to be unhappy
I can'�t win, but here I am
More than glad to be unhappy

Unrequited love�'s a bore
And I'�ve got it pretty bad
But for someone you adore
It'�s a pleasure to be sad"

Umo Jazz House

I FINALLY made it to this venue last night to see The Joona Toivanen Trio. These guys I met in Perth years ago and I always promised I would look them up when I got to Finland. When I arrived in June and emailed them I was amazed they remembered me!
Anyway, they are three young guys from Jyväskylä who are studying in Stockholm and Helsinki. Of course everyone studies here for years and years and years!
These guys are awesome! They played two original sets of beautiful, if somewhat melancholic music. I haven't seen a group who play together so well. I mean, these guys really play together! It's like their hearts all beat at the same time... it's beautiful to listen to.
Hearing them has totally inspired me to practice and write more. Anyone want to donate a piano to my cause?

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

Okay, so it's cold and snowing... well, the rain has turned into soft ice that is coating my part of the world like icing. It looks very pretty until it's starts to get all slushy and dirty. It's starting to look like icing that has been regurgitated now (i.e. vomit).
But I'm not complaining. If there's snow, soon there will be ice, then there will be ice skating (and then there will be hospital for me no doubt).

I've been thinking recently about how much Finland has changed in the past few decades. It is certainly not the Finland of my childhood stories. Though I guess up North and in the country things are probably a bit different to down here in the sophisticated big city (he he he).

My Grandfather refused to believe that there could be "dark" Finns. Now, I catch the bus everyday with more Finns from Africa, Asia and the Middle East than Finns born in Finland!

I appreciate living in a multicultural city and I'm glad I have the opportunity to get to know people from these different cultures. But to be honest, and I don't know if this is good or bad, it's not often it ever occurs to me people are from a different country. I am honestly surprised at times when my friend from Kenya will make a reference to himself being black. It doesn't even register that there is a difference most of the time. Is this being culturally insensitive or am I just really unconcious to my surroundings?

The other day I was walking down the street and a woman caught my attention for two reasons. Firstly because she was talking in a strong English accent very loudly, and secondly because she had the most amazing afro I'd ever seen. So after I passed her I took a second look back at her hair. She then started yelling (not specifically at me) that "yes, people do come from different places and have different coloured skin". For a minute I was considering putting on my broadest Aussie accent and telling her that I realised that, but thought better of it.
I have not been a minority very often. In Japan I was and to be honest I really didn't notice much racism. I know others did and once again, maybe I just didn't realise it. But I do think that at times people can be misunderstood and misrepresented as rascist simply because they look like the majority.

A friend here was telling me about the number of people who have accused her of being racist simply because she didn't agree with their ideas and opinions. This friend is certainly not racist or prejudiced in the slightest.
My own mother once suggested I was anti semetic because I didn't like a certain book which happened to be written by a Jewish author. I was incredibly insulted by this suggestion, especially as one of my closest friends is Jewish and at the time I lived in the Jewish part of Melbourne! I am not anti semetic... I just didn't like that book.

The thing I am learning about people is that it doesn't matter where you come from or what you believe in... everyone is much the same. Within my group of multicultural friends race is NEVER an issue. I doubt any of us even give it a second thought. We are just us and that's all there is to it.

I also don't understand why people are so insulted if you dare suggest they come from elsewhere than there home country. People have assumed I come from England, Canada, America, New Zealand, Sweden (before I speak) and Finland. I couldn't care less. Why do Canadians get so insulted if they are asked if they are from the US? And Indians if they are from Pakistan?
There is no insinuation... I'm just curious. It may be negligence on my part to not recognise certain characteristcs of different countries but it is not meant to be malicious or rude.

I think everyone should stop pretending it matters where you are from and concentrate on the really important aspects of life... like simply enjoying it without the added complications. History is history. It should be remembered and respected but not used as a weapon.

Thus ends my soapbox rant...

If I managed to offend anyone than you missed my point.

Helsinki... City of lurve.

Someone has sprinkled diamonds all over the cars on my street.
Or at least that's what I first thought as I walked home in my wine induced haze, touching the windshields in infantile fascination... until a car alarm went off and had me hobbling to my house as quick as my feeble ankle could carry me.

It's 2 degrees. I'm fucking freezing but thanking the infinite being for giving me the foresight to purchase my wonderful red jacket and fluffy boots in time for the chill. Now I just need some gloves so I can feel my hands...

I must admit I'm very easy to please. One day out of the house with people I love and I feel on top of the world.
I had lunch with the wonderful "K" and although both of us spent the first 40 minutes whinging and feeling sorry for ourselves and the state of our "pathetically normal" lives by the end of the lunch we had planned an End of Autumn, Halloween Eve, Pot Luck Picnic Party on the Esplanade. Outside on the Esplanade in the evening. The idea of an outside dinner party in the middle of the city at the end of October sounded like a brilliant one while we were sitting in a warm restaurant. When we walked out into the wind and felt 4 degrees of chill seep into our bones we began to have second thoughts. However, we are determined to go ahead with it... in a week I may be dead from exposure so I hope you cherish this last week of thoughts!

I printed resumes and cover letters to begin my search for more employment and discovered that the city library has a very nice selection of good looking men working for them... note to self: must make full use of library facilities.
I found myself in the post office trying to decide between A4 and A3 envelopes when a friend of a friend decided this was a good time to formally introduce himself (after we'd spent the best part of an hour ending up in the same places and wondering why we knew each other) and suggest we get together sometime... you know "we're both alone here...". In a moment of weakness and confusion (if he's a friend of a friend does that mean he's hitting on me and is it rude if I don't agree to hang out sometime?) I gave him my number. I really hope he doesn't call because I really can't remember his name and considering his friend has professed his undying love to me on many an occasion (of course this is usually at 2am when his words are so slurred he could be admitting something totally different) I don't think it would be such a great idea. Time to avoid all "number unknown" calls...

I then met my lovely Russian friend "I" who made me laugh solidly for almost 5 hours. Her talent for describing our work situation had me in stitches and everyone else in the bar looking on enviously. I only wish I had her ability to make our job so funny... the thought of returning actually makes me feel quite ill.
But I had missed her so much and it was a wicked evening. We practiced my Finnish and worked on her Ab Fab English accent. Apparently we are going to Monte Carlo in the near future and she must have a convincing English accent to woo the rich men (?)... I guess I must have missed whatever led to this, but I felt it was best just to go with the flow and hope she wasn't serious!

And then as I walked home, with her laughter still ringing in my ears I noticed the frost all over the cars and I was entranced by all the sparkles. Once again I am in love with this little city full of crazy beautiful people who love me. All is good.

I think I'm still in the throes of my quarter life crisis. For awhile I thought I was out of it and had finally found a little direction, but no. I'm still clueless as to what I want to do.
I have lots of ideas. Lots of really good ideas. Ideas that are very realistic. But I don't want to do them.
Perhaps I just need to really admit to myself that the only thing I want to do is be a musician.
Everything else dulls in comparison.

The thing is, I could do this too if I could just get my shit together. Or rather, if I developed enough self confidence to do it.
But now I am in this tiny city where there is not a great deal of music and that makes it even harder. I know no musicians, I have no contacts and I don't even know any venues that I could talk to.

Really... why am I here?

1. I really honestly can't afford to leave
2. I really honestly don't know where else I can go (NEW YORK)
3. I do feel very comfortable here (maybe this is a bad thing)
4. I have met lots of great people here
5. I want to learn Finnish
6. The social services are fantastic
7. I can go to Uni for free (I don't want to go to Uni)
8. It's small, so if I do manage to get my shit together I have more of a chance of actually being successful here.

Are these good reasons???

I'm not doing anything that I used to enjoy doing so much.
Going to see live music, going to the movies, seeing plays, going out for dinner, going to art galleries...
I need to start doing this.
But most importantly... I need to sing, to perform. I think I am slowly dying and losing myself without it. This is what I do, and I haven't been doing it for so long.

Everyday I am going to do something new and write about it. Not so much for your information but just to convince myself that I AM making the most out of my life.

I give it till June next year...

Bars In Helsinki

So, I did go out last night and it was okay. It would have been better if I could've danced coz they were playing some pretty hip music at one bar... ho hum... soon I'll be fully mobile again.

Helsinki has some pretty cool bars. They all seem to be small, dark and smokey, employ cute bar tenders to flirt with and bouncers to guard the door against underagers and those not hip enough (how did I make it in, I hear you all wonder). And all these bars have decks because the DJ scene is pretty big here. Most of the music is not really my thing, but it's better than the usual crap cds you hear. Of course, I would prefer to hear and see some more live music... however, most of these bars are really small so I'm willing to forgive them.

Last night we went to Oujee (pronounced "Oh, yeah") and Errotaja (prounounced "er oh ta ya"). Oujee is a very small bar that fits maybe 80 - 100 close friends and is suitable dark and smokey. It also has very hard to find toilets, the doors look deceptively wall like. The DJ last night was playing some very hip tunes from Sly, Curtis Fuller and other soul classics. The lack of seating and shit house white wine drove us from though.

Then on to ye old faithful Errotaja. Errotaja is where everyone cool hangs out. Once again, why I find myself here so often is a mystery! However, now that I have discovered the cute bartender here is actually the boyfriend of a friend, and my drinks are being poured far more liberally, I will continue to hang with the cool people. The music here was also good, but nothing to write about... in fact, to be honest I can't remember at all what they were playing because I spent most of the night distracted by the Gael Garcia Bernal look-a-like near the window. *swoon*

However, I am happy to report that there are at least two world class hip bars here and even happier to report that they let me into them!

I have to leave the house tomorrow!!! I can't spend this much time in an apartment on my own. I need human contact!
To be fair, I was invited to drinks tonight, but the wind, rain, cold and ache in my ankle deterred me.
Even now as I look out my window the trees are attacking each other in the wind. It's supposed to be 1 degree here on Monday... brrrrrrr.

Anyway, I did actually do a few useful things today and I didn't eat any icecream (coz if I'm not going out for a drink then I'm sure as hell not venturing out for icecream!). Studied Finnish... and remembered why I stopped. It's so HARD! But it is something I have always wanted to do... so I really feel like I should put the effort in. It's the best time and all that... but still, it's really hard.

I spoke to two people on the phone today. One of them made me feel really happy and the other made me really depressed. Both of them inspired me to leave Finland but for completely different reasons. I'm dreaming about New York City...

But I'm gonna stick it out here. I'm gonna make more of an effort though. Check out some new places, see some exhibitions, go swimming naked...

I'm totally uninspired tonight. I've been trying to write a song all day but I can't seem to play any chords other than A and E minor... and the lyrics are more positive than that. I need to find some motivation.

I have just re-read the last few blogs I wrote and I realise how boring they are. So I'm going to try and write something interesting... if not for your benefit, then just for my own.
I have been reading lots of other people's blogs recently and I am amazed at how honest people are... I mean, I guess I kind of shot myself in the foot by putting my real name on this, but even so, I couldn't be so honest. Actually, it's not that I can't be honest... there are just lots of things I don't want people to know about me.
I feel quite voyeuristic except that it's not so much scandal that interests me... just people's normal lives. I find it fascinating that these people think that others will find their lives interesting and that others DO find them interesting is even more intriguing.
(Just in case people I know are getting the wrong idea, I'm not talking about anyone's blog in particular).

So, maybe people are actually interested in the boring mundane details of my life. Maybe I should do a day in the life of... type blog. But I'll have to wait until I have an interesting day - but then that defeats the purpose of sharing the mundane details.
Okay... so here's what I did today:

Woke up late.
Tried to figure out how much of my dream was real and how much was just the dream.
Checked my email.
Discovered a job offer from Japan to teach children.
Felt irritated.
Tried to call Berlitz about a job.
Discovered the manager was on holidays for 3 weeks.
Had a brief moment of missing Japan and the lack of holidays for management.
Emailed other language schools and fixed up my resume.
Felt discouraged.
Felt hungry.
Cooked a meal out of the few ingredients left in my fridge... fried zucchini and onion, rye bread and fish fingers.
Ate it.
Still felt hungry.
Tidied my flat.
Went to the supermarket
Bought vegies, meatballs and icecream.
Ate icecream.
Ate more icecream
Felt sick.
Then I had to lie down for awhile to rest my foot.
So I continued knitting my scarf.
Then I had some more icecrea.
Felt sick again.
Read some of my book.
Spoke to my friend.
Knitted again.
Cooked spagetti and meatballs for dinner.
Ate more icecream.
Read other people's blogs and decided my life was boring.
Decided to write about my life just to fully convince myself how boring my it was.
Succeeded.

Maybe people would be interested in the mundane details of my life if I could manage to make them sound less mundane. Perhaps list form is not the most engaging form of writing... something to think about.

Tomorrow I will try to only do things that will look good on this blog.

Today is Friday

and i'm totally uninspired to blog.

i have nothing to tell anyone because once again i'm stuck at home because of my ankle. although after the last couple of nights at work... i'm happy to be stuck at home. rejoicing in fact... rejoicing and looking for a new job.

i have started knitting.
i have started cooking healthy food for myself.
i have started thinking about doing some serious gig hustling.

i am a little lonely.

but someone is coming to visit me soon.

Fit or not.

I just watched Tomb Raider and I have to say, it was a shit movie.

However, I am impressed and inspired by any action movie featuring a fit young heroine who saves the day and doesn't end up in bed with any of her co-stars... Lara Croft - my new idol!

It has actually inspired me to get fit though. I'd love to be able to throw myself off stairs and run up mountains and shit like that... in fact at the moment I'd be happy just to be able to run up the stairs at work again!

I think I'll join and regularly attend a gym.

Although i do hate gyms... too many beautiful people with the right clothes and pores that don't produce sweat. And they usually play appaling music.

Maybe I'll find a kung fu teacher instead... to be honest, I'd much rather just kick ass then run up mountains anyway.

another rant.

I know I shouldn't blog after drinking... however, I really feel like sharing... aren't you all lucky to recieve my 3am insights???

So, I turned on my computer tonight and there was a photo of Bonnie's Grill in Brooklyn on my desktop... that was cool. Then I turned on my itunes and the first tune to come on was Nico "These Days"... that was cool too. However, no emails and no-one online... that was not cool. Why can't you all anticipate my moods and be online when I feel like talking to you!!!!

I've had a strange night... For a start I spent 4 hours on my own downstairs at work ironing and folding napkins - BORING!!!!!
But my boss was REALLY REALLY nice. Strange... disconcerting... but appreciated.
Then after work, my bosses (yes, two of them at once!), my workmates, and I listened to Lebanese music, drank Tunisian wine and got a little pissed together. Now, it's quite common (like every night) for my wokmates and I to have a few drinks after work, but for my bosses to as well.... that's just weird! I felt like I was in an episode of the twilight zone.
(And to those who read these and feel the need the comment... I'm 26 years old and there is nothing wrong with having a couple of drinks after work... I am not an alcoholic!!!!!)

Anyway, it was nice to just hang out with my bosses... comforting to discover they ARE human and I actually have something in common with them ( I like wine and coffee and hate shopping). However, I am a little wary about being lulled into a false sense of security... but to quote one of my workmates... "same shit".
It's strange how some people can be so nice and normal at times but then be the exact opposite at most other times

I also discovered today that people read this blog (or at least a couple of people do). I don't know if they find it interesting or if they just have excessive time on their hands and need to waste it... either way, I'm happy! I guess it's better to be a waste of someone's time than nothing...

My new favourite word is belligerent. 19 year old Finnish/German security guard - behaves belligerently at house parties and will not be invited again!

Time on my hands...

Bandage on my foot.

Of course now that I have time to write I have nothing to say.
I'm feeling particularly boring at the moment and have a constant ache in my ankle... actually, it's moving up to my calf now. Someone suggested it might be septic... yipee!

I am trying to do things... I played guitar today and found my Finnish language books (haven't yet opened them but the day is still young) and I sat outside amongst the autumn leaves for about 1/2 hour when I discovered the pain had subsided because my feet were actually numb. Took the rubbish out to the bin... burnt a heap of cds... ate some pasta...

Perhaps my goal for the day can be how to say "i am the queen of procrastination" in finnish. I think the grammar could be tricky with that sentence...

Think I'll go hem some pants now...

really really really useless information

Maunula library has a very good collection of cds
I have 2.1 days of music on my itunes play list
My ankle has four different bruises on it
I am allergic to bananas, avacados and eggs... they make me sick
I have trouble finding hats to fit my head... it's too small
3 of my close friends say "fuck" is their favourite word
I love asking people questions about random things
Yesterday I watched three movies starting with "THE"
My siblings and I all have different surnames
I totally freak out when people yell at me
My housemate and I used to steal little plastic figures from bars in Japan
I wish I was religious
I am now listening to Time After Time, by Cyndi Lauper
My favourite colour is purple
I have a very limited vocabulary
Right now, I'm incredibly bored...

Rant...

I've been trying not to write anything about my boss on here (despite wanting to many times) but I have to mention something about this incident.
So, I've sprained my ankle. I can't work. I'm stuck at home for a week. I'm in pain. I don't want any of this. I didn't do it on purpose and I wasn't even drunk when it happened. Not my fault.

According to my boss, it was totally my fault and I should've been more careful. In fact, she was actually insinuating that I did it on purpose, just to piss her off. Now she has more work to do and I just get to laze around... I am totally shocked by her attitude. I shouldn't be, I should've known, but I am.
She "hopes" it doesn't get worse... sometimes these things get infected and get worse. Yeah, let's hope for the best shall we!

I was at a loss for words.

Bugger.

I have discovered that living alone in the suburbs really sucks when you have a sprained ankle and can't walk.
Last night I slipped on some wet stairs at a bar (and no, I was not drunk) and now I am stuck in my house unable to walk.
Last time I did this it took at least a week until I could walk properly (yes, last time I was drunk).
What the fuck am I going to do in my little house for a week on my own!
I'm going to beg people to come and visit me...
Bet it starts to snow tomorrow... or even worse: we'll suddenly get freaky summer weather and everyone will be at the beach but me... stuck in my little house far away in the burbs.
WAH!!!!!!

Although, on the bright side... now I HAVE to wear my new furry winter boots every day for ankle support! YAY!

I HAVE A GIG!

Tonight I have my first Finnish gig! In fact, my first European gig! I'm very excited.
I'm only singing a few songs for Karri's wife's birthday party, but I get to sing! With a microphone! In front of people! Without words on a tv screen in front of me! YAY!!!
I haven't had a gig since our last Hardliner one in May! That's way too long between performances.
I'm a bit nervous actually because Karri is quite an established electronic musician and I hope I can do his music justice. It's very different from stuff I'm used to singing. It's going to be almost entirely improvised... I have some ideas, a few lyrics to work with, but they are long songs without a lot of harmonic development (read: it's electronic music... nothing really happens for 6 minutes) and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to come up with enough stuff... or else I'll sing too much! Maybe I'll just have a couple of drinks and just see what happens...
We are doing a couple of covers, one is a song I've been wanting to cover for a long time. Francis and I tried to once, but never got around to it... but tonight, after over 10 years of singing it in the shower, I get to perform
Tiffany's "I think We're Alone Now"!
I've got to say again... I'm excited!

falling in love...

Today I saw a woman "walking" her rabbit... on a leash. I had to look twice, then I giggled.

The leaves are so incredible! The reds, yellows, oranges... and today the sky is so blue.



I think I'm falling in love with this place.

Small world.

Last night I wasn't going to go out. I told Kati I wasn't going out, I told the guys at work I wasn't going out, I told myself I wasn't going out. But then as we left the restaurant at 1am I thought to myself... Fuck it, I'm going out.

And it was fun. Not a drunken mess, no hangover, no sordid details... just fun. I'm so glad I went out because as I was walking into Rose Garden (one of our local clubs) I was stopped at the door by a vaguely familiar looking girl who knew my name. She then proceeded to ask me something in Finnish, and while I racked my brains to figure out who this person was and where I knew her from I managed to spit out "puhun vahan Suomea" (this should be my catch phrase).
Then it clicked. This was Hannele. Finnish exchange student from Portland that I knew over 10 years ago! She remembered my name and my face immediately. It was such a trip! Despite the copious amount of alcohol in both our systems, we managed to swap phone numbers and catch up a little. It was so nice to speak to someone who knows my family, and to talk Portland. She said my family, in particular my grandparents, had been so welcoming to her in Portland that she felt that she owes me. I am just so glad that my late grandfather is remembered by someone so unrelated, so warmly.

So, I wasn't going to go out, but I was obviously supposed to. A new girl friend seems on the horizon.