Desired Constellation

I have a silly superstition that every other year is a "bad" one... and you guessed it, this is one of those.
This may seem kind of a negative way of thinking but so far my 27th year is not turning out all sweetness and light.

I feel like I'm losing in every respect of my life.
Everytime I start to pull up level with the rest of the runners, I trip over something stupid, fall over and I'm last again.
Sometimes I realise that I've been running the wrong race and even though I just won, it doesn't mean anything.

I have no ambition. No drive. No idea of what I want to do with my life.
Things that make me happy will not earn me enough money to eat and I can't seem to get my head around doing anything to rectify this.

Everyone around me seems to be moving forward. Getting married, divorced, having kids, buying houses, graduating, enrolling... doing something. But me... well, I'm just thinking about moving again. If at first you don't succeed, take the next plane out of there!

Apparently I am so wonderful that I am impossible to fall in love with. My ex-boyfriend doesn't even know why he feels compelled to leave me. I'm sure as soon as he hooks up with a 19 year old Russian model he'll figure it out.

I'm wallowing in self pity, watching Sex and the City, eating cake and reading my star signs religiously.
I'm just waiting for that magical alignment of my planets that will make everything okay again.

Until then, I'm off to Italy. At least there no-one will understand what I'm moaning about. Ciao!

It's a Beautiful Day!

Today really made me realise how much I missed the sun during winter... apart from the sunburn I have now.
Coming from Australia you'd think I'd remember to put on sunscreen, but the sun seems so pathetically weak here that I didn't think about it... and suffered the consequences! I won't forget again though... red just doesn't go with most of my clothes!

In other news... The Helsinki Samba Festival was on today and I witnessed the start of the parade through the city.
What can I say, it wasn't exactly Carnivale in Brazil. A number of white, not too trim, Finnish women wearing sequinns and feathers attempting to shake their booties. It wasn't very pretty and certainly didn't inspire me to samba... broken foot or not!

With a little help from my friends.

I will never have another birthday party again.

Nothing could be better than the one I just had! It was one of those days where I felt so loved and like the whole world was working for me.

The sun was shining, my friends all looked impossibly gorgeous, there was champagne, strawberries, homemade cake and even a band! It was truly amazing.


Katariina and Joakim arrive with my cake! How she manages to ride with a whole cake is totally beyond me... and it tasted fabulous.


The folk band that happened to be playing nearby... they were fantastic!


The picnic.

Thank you all!!! I love you all.

Aussie Aussie Aussie oi oi oi

The afternoon started poorly.
Stuck in Espoo at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere with a broken foot and crutches.
The bus I had planned to get apparently didn't actually take the route I thought it was supposed to (discovered later on that it did and the bus driver was a sadistic bastard who obviously likes teasing the disabled).
So 45 minutes later I'm FINALLY on a bus back to N's house in the hope of catching at least some of the last half of the Japan vs Australia game.
The bus driver had clearly only recently (like yesterday) passed his test and was doing everything by the book. For example, stopping for pedestrian crossings... even when there were no pedestrians.
So the 10 minute bus ride stretched into 25 and the game is heading into injury time...
I hobble through the door with 20 minutes to go and settle down with a cold (crap) Finnish beer just in time to witness the first Aussie goal.
In my excitement I managed to spill beer all over my head (good for the hair though) and all over my jeans. But a goal!!!!
Another two goals later and I was out of beer and my hair was soaked. But three goals! In 20 minutes!
N and I, being the only two Aussies, had a moment of intense patriotism while listening to ACDC.
However, three games later (not to mention the computer football games inbetween) has me a little footed out.

But, each time I think of those goals I have to smile.
Australia... you made an hour of sitting at bus stops in Espoo worth it.

Let the sun shine!

Some of my friends are complaining about the weather here at the moment. I don't understand it. After months of freezing temperatures, I am blissful at the first suggestion of sun! I realise it isn't as hot as it could be (or was last year) but it's still over 20 degrees and sunny and hey, that's good enough for me!

Right now I am sitting at N's computer (just for a change of scenery) listening to a lawnmower and inhaling the sweet scent of freshly cut grass. The sun is shining and a mild breeze is gently blowing over me. There are only two probelems... number 1, my lack of mobility is starting to REALLY frustrate me and secondly, MTV is playing Macarena... something must be done regarding this situation. Hmmm, scary... yet fascinating.

Anyway... so football. I am watching and I am enjoying. This afternoon Australia is playing Japan and I will be in the middle of getting a new cast. I am not impressed. However, I have timed the buses and if the doctor hurries, I should be able to make the second half.

My God this is a boring post, even I'm bored writing it. Sorry. Expect a depressed post tomorrow regarding my turning 27... I\m sure I'll have many issues to discuss with myself. Stay tuned!

Some days

Most days I love being abroad. I love knowing that I am totally free and not tied down in anyway. I could pick up and leave tomorrow if I chose to. I love meeting new people, I love seeing new places, planning the next places I'll go and the imagining the next people I'll meet. Most of the time it's exciting and interesting and I love it.

But sometimes I feel so far away. Sometimes I don't want new fabulous friends. I want the old ones that have known me for years. The ones I can just call up for a beer without worrying about looking lonely or pathetic. The ones that when I feel a bit down, I know they will say the right things to make me feel better.
Being around people that are new is exciting, but at the same time it is kind of tiring. It seems so conditional all the time. They have nothing invested in me so they don't really care about me as much as I'd like. It's not that they don't want to... they just don't know me. I often feel like I need to make alot more effort. Then there is trying to balance the difference between being enthusiastic and just seeming desperate.

Today I spoke to an old friend. Now I feel homesick. I imagined what it would be like if he was here now. We'd just hang out, play some guitar, drink some beer, watch some football. It would feel like home. Today I don't feel like I'm at home. I feel like I'm far away.

And counting...

Today is my one year anniversary of my arrival in Finland. I'm not going to reminisce too much, but it looks pretty much the same today as it did then.
I'm surprised it's been a year, but then I'm surprised it's only been a year. I feel more comfortable in this country, well in Helsinki at least, than I've felt for almost ever. But at the same time, I don't think I can stay here for years. Maybe not even two years, but we'll see.
I've managed to accomplish a fair amount in a year I think.

I'm not fluent, but I can swear convincingly, order food fairly convincingly and at least look like I understand what's going on most of the time.
I have made lots of great friends, and I've even managed to lose some... well, not so great friends. Natural selection I guess.
I have had been employed twice without having to speak a word of either of the national languages and I've remained employed in the best job I've ever had. Despite having three weeks off to nurse my broken foot.

The only real regret I have is that I haven't been singing.
But I'm still working on it and I actually wrote a song tonight that I may still like tomorrow!
I was concerned for awhile that I'd lost my muse... but my muse only inspired pathetic sad love songs so it's definitely for the best. Maybe I have a new muse? Maybe I am just inspired by life itself? Maybe I unknowingly just ripped off a song I heard on MTV earlier...

I have slightly more of an idea of what my future holds today then I did this time last year, but it's still only short term stuff.
Questions have been forming but the answers are going to take some time.
The most important thing is that I am truly happy. I love my life.
I have never felt more loved before and more content with myself.

Last year I stepped off the plane and although I was thinking "What the fuck have I just got myself into?", my heart was already beating in time to the Helsinki pulse.
I am meant to be here.