One true thing...

Sometimes someone does something that is so sweet and thoughtful that you just want to hug the whole world.
My new friend just rang me from the Elton John concert here in Helsinki so that I could hear "Tiny Dancer" being performed.
"Hold me closer Tiny Dancer... count the headlights on the highway... lay me down in sheets of linen... had a busy day today"
I did have a short dilemma filled moment while deciding whether it was too sad to sing along or not!
Thank you new friend. You totally made my night!
(By the way Travelling Diva... his name starts with A and he's not married. Shall I introduce you?)

This feeling...

I have a bad feeling in my stomach. I know it's not hunger because I just ate. It's something else.
I'm not sure what it could be because everything is going well and I haven't done anything recently that could come back on me negatively. But this foreboding feeling that won't go away.

So, can everyone I haven't been in contact with recently please email me just so I know everything is ok.

I arrived back from London (which stayed sunny for all of half an hour and then degenerated into windy rainy porridge type weather) and Finland is beautiful! It's snowing and all is white and wintery and wonderful.
Fell in love with it all over again.

So, the London trip... here's the brief story:

Wednesday:
Wandered around Oxford Circus and Camden Town (as previously mentioned). Finally found both t-shirt and bag. Felt happy I didn't have to shop anymore.
Went back to Mike's. Watched Neighbours... loved it. Ate steak and Guiness pie... loved it too.
Met Mandy for dinner (yes, after eating the pie!)... loved her.
But I felt very anxious about my impending lack of employment all day.
Went back to Mike's and drank wine with his housemates. Took the piss out of the tv show they were watching. They loved me doing that (yeah, really).

Thursday:
Decided I was going to be cultural today.
Went to the Tate Modern, National Museum and Portrait Museum... loved them all.
Couldn't deal with the suspense anymore. Checked my email.
I'm employed.
Smiled lots and withdrew more pounds.
Treated myself to a glass of champers at Rueben's Hotel on Buckingham Palace Road (Mike was playing there).
Went back to Mike's. Drank more wine with his housemate and discussed life.
Got drunk.
Mike and other housemates came home.
They got drunk.
Played with stuffed Disney toys.
I took photos.
Fell asleep on the couch. Party pooper.

Friday:
Woke up realising everything was working out wonderfully. Smiled all day.
Went to Tate Britain. Loved the collection, particularly the Stuart and Tudor portraiture.
Saw Mandy's opera. A delightful Mozart comedy written at the tender age of 19... although for Mozart that wasn't so tender. Was truly inspired.
Met Mike and Phil.
Was truly inspired to have a beer.
Many beers later... was truly inspired to fall asleep.
But instead caught the plane back to Tampere and my new white world.

So all in all, London was fun and I had a great time, but I was more than happy to come back home.

Now, my life begins anew.
The new job, soon to be a new house (oh god, moving again!!!) and am definitely working towards music now. I'm going to be singing again soon...

It's sunny here in old London town. I'm walking around Camden Markets without a hat, scarf or my gloves!
I am trying to find a couple of things... bag, t-shirt for Kati... but I've been shopping for about 1\2 hour and I'm already over it!
Now, I'm sitting in an internet cafe\asian restaurant checking to see whether I am employed or not... still no answer. This is very frustrating! It means the difference between that 5 quid bag or the 15 quid one.
I really just want to go back to Mike's, get some Indian take out, some beer and watch TV all night.
Is that totally pathetic? I am going to do lots of cultural things tomorrow and Friday... but tonight... I need to veg.
Right, back off to find this fucking bag! If it's the last thing I do!!!!!

London calling (again)

Off to London for a few days. Post more when I return.
Going to be cultured.
Go to galleries, museums, the opera...
Going to speak only English for 4 days.
Rock and roll.

Well folks, that's all!
My time at the restaurant is almost over. Last shift tonight. Shaping up to be a killer. The restaurant is booked 3 times over and we are down one waiter. Rock and roll!!!!
But I won't care. I'll be smiling at everyone, skipping to get the food, hugging customers at random because after tonight, none of this stress will be mine anymore. I am escaping!
I feel sorry for those I must leave behind, but I know they'll follow shortly.

But I must say... I'll miss it. I'll miss the customers. I'll miss the feeling of anticipation before the start of a busy night. I'll miss that feeling exhiliration when the restaurant is booked and you have to think of five different things at once and you do it all and you feel so... proud. The pace, the constant energy, the excitement. When it works it's fun.
When it doesn't work it's hell.

Who knows where my next restaurant job will be? Maybe this will be my last EVER shift in a restaurant... so you know what? I'm going to enjoy myself one last time!

Homesick

It's a beautiful sunny day here in Finland. We hadn't seen the sun for a week and now it's here and it's wonderful.
Although the sun seems to have brought the REAL start of Winter.
In the past two days it's dropped 9 degrees! But we can deal with cold if there is sun.

All I can think of today is Melbourne. The thought of not seeing it for another 6 months hurts my stomach and brings tears to my eyes.
My friends, the coffee, the movies, the live music, the bars, the food, the people...
Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine that when I open them I'll be waking up in my little St. Kilda flat. I'll walk out into the summer sun and down to my favourite cafe for a soy flat white. Read The Age and eavesdrop on people's conversations.
Then I'll catch a tram to the other side of the city and window shop in Brunswick St. Eat a tempeh burger at The Vegie Bar and have a Coopers at one of my favourite bars.
Or maybe I'll catch the ferry to Williamstown and eat fish and chips on the beach before catching it back for a drink at The Espy, waiting for a band to begin.
I'll meet up with my mates and eat felafel at 1am as we stumble on the the next gig. Run into old friends in random places and chat for hours.
Or I'll sit in a little cafe in one of the back alleys and watch the business people bustling to and from lunch then go to the beach and sit on the jetty, letting the warm sun make me drowsy.

I'm happy here... but it's not home. I might have Finland in my blood, but it's not in my heart.
In the words of Christine Anu... "My island home is waiting for me."

Happy happy joy joy... (and no, I'm not intoxicated)

I can't stop smiling. I'm not even sure why...
I could very well be unemployed in a week, I haven't done a thing in the past few days, it's 4 am... but fuck, I'm happy.
Why am I happy?
Hmmm.... many reasons.
I'm happy because:
I can walk to work in the dark and appreciate the lights in the trees while sipping on my lukewarm soy latte.
I can still enjoy my job even though at any moment I know my boss may start screaming at me.
I know how to tell people what the house aperitive is in Finnish.
I can recommend wine with authority.
I have had two international phone calls in the past few days from people who simply rang to say they were thinking of me.
I have had two friends tell me how much they love me in the past 24 hours.
I salsa danced last night.
I don't have to go to work tomorrow.
My hair has grown past my shoulders.
I get to go to work on Monday.
My ankle doesn't hurt that much anymore.
The rain was so light tonight that it felt like being covered in dew.
I am young, healthy, alive and determined to remain this way.

Last night I got sent home in disgrace at 9pm from work for doing my job calmly and efficiently. Apparently this makes me lazy. I should be running around looking flustered... then I'm really working. My boss screamed at me for 10 minutes about the lack of work I was doing and how much I irritated her, then sent me home.
Wow! What a punishment! Getting to leave early on a Friday night!
I feel like I'm in some kind of alternate universe when I'm at that place.
So, once I had got over my initial shock of being yelled at, I went dancing.
I found €20 and had a great night!
Instant karma perhaps?

I used to be...

I used to be thin.
I used to work in a job that I enjoyed.
I used to understand what people said to me all the time.
I used to speak more Spanish.
I used to see live music every week.
I used to dance more.
I used to be someone's girlfriend.
I used to call myself a singer.
I used to write music regularly.
I used to get up in the morning and feel good.
I used to do yoga everyday.
I used to eat well.
I used to speak to my mother every week.
I used to be able to walk without my feet hurting.
I used to be lonely.
I used to be younger.
I used to have potential.
I used to have more money.
I used to think Finland would be paradise.
I used to think I'd have a family by 26.
I used to have more male friends.
I used to have less female friends.
I used have more energy.

I still dream...

Update:

It's been a busy week. I'm kind of exhausted and my head is full of green snot (lovely imagery eh?).

I started my new job at the English Day Care centre last Tuesday and I LOVE working there. The difference between working there and my other job is colossal! The kids are adorable, the staff are fantastic and I actually feel more calm when I'm there then when I'm not. There is the possibility of a full time position there (at present it's only 2 days a week) so my fingers are so crossed they're becoming arthritic.

I quit my old job on Friday. The mind games and constant physical pressure just got too much. So, two more weeks and never again. I will write more about this at a later date. I think I need some distance to present a clear and unemotional report of my time there (if I wrote about it now it would just involve a lot of swearing).

My friend visited from London on the weekend. My first visitor! But I had to work every night, so I left him in the capable arms of Kati who, naturally, totally charmed him and now he can't wait to come back... maybe not to see me this time though. But we had a great weekend. As the weather was drizzly, grey and gloomy, we took him on a three day pub crawl. I introduced him to my wonderfully exotic collection of friends and we took lots of stupid photos. We even managed to salsa in an empty bar at one point!

My ankle is still swollen and my feet are constantly aching... but I'm hoping it's a psychosomatic condition related to the restaurant. I'll probably feel wonderful in a couple of weeks.

Discovering friendship.

This morning I discovered that my friends care about me so much that they become somewhat worried if I do not reply to text messages within 24 hours. I was awoken by an international call at 7.30am by a concerned friend who just wanted to make sure I was still alive and well. I am.
As much as I appreciate the concern, I am somewhat bemused by it.
I guess it's been a LONG time since I have had anyone in my life who would actually notice if I have been out of contact for a day. In fact the last person to notice this would have been my Mum back when I still lived at home!
Don't get me wrong, it's lovely to feel so important and looked after... but also a little scary. This means I have to take into consideration other people's feelings again! Oh no! I can't just run off into the forest and live out my hermit dream without letting a few people know my plans first. I'm so used to being totally independent (and alone) and being the one to contact people first.
It is nice to feel loved though...