Those words that mean nothing.

Sometimes... often in fact, there are feelings you want to share that you just can't find words to express. Times like this make me realise how much I rely on words. I am a musician, an artist, a communicator and yet I still can't tell people how I feel.

I wish I could wrap them up in tissue paper and bubble wrap so that when life bounces them around they don't feel the jolts so badly. I wish I could hold them and stroke their heads, tell them everything was going to be alright and not be lying. Stick a tracking device to the soles of their feet so that they know they will never be alone, that someone will always be looking out for them, someone will always know where they are.
I wish I could do or say something to make it all better... but I can't and no-one else can either.

When you cry I can't help the tears dribbling down my cheeks.
I mimick the quietness of your sad voice without realising.
I don't want to ask questions, to intrude... I just want to know you're okay. Even though I know that you definitely are not.
So I guess I want to tell you that I know you're not okay and that's fine.

I will be here whenever you need me and even when you don't.

I'm Back in the Land Down Under.

So here I am.
Back in St Kilda.
Back in my box.
Am I happy? So far.

I miss Helsinki. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my lovely urban apartment. I miss being a couple of hours flight from the rest of Europe. I miss all the lactose free products.

But I love the sun here! I love the coffee. I love the cheap clothes. I love being near the rest of my family. I love the food.
I am happy. I feel like a foreigner in my own country though. Like that Sting song: "I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien".
I feel a little different now. But then maybe I always will. It's not a bad thing though.

So here I am.
Back home.

Christmas 2006

Last night we had a lovely party. Good food, great friends and the cocktails flowed freely all night.

Hyvää joulua kaikkille!

Check out flickr for the shots...

No news is good news

Yes, I have been slack.
I think it's more a case of life settling. I have been busy, I have been doing lots of things, but I have had no desire to write about them. Sorry.

So, this post will be a brief catch up on what I've been doing for the past few months.

I've been working hard.
I went to Berlin (again).
I've been to many parties.
I went to Turku (for 24 hours exactly).
I've been making plans for something big... but I can't tell you yet.

I've been really enjoying life lately.
I'm living in the city with Nik and I've got to admit, urban living is definitely for me. I feel more relaxed when I can hear the constant bustle of the city. We have a nice thing going on. Nice apartment, great friends, good times.
We're both broke, but hey! What's new?

I am supposed to be recording an album in January with these great musicians. I can't really believe it's going to happen because something always manages to screw up these kind of arrangements for me... but we'll see.

I feel very peaceful at the moment. I know a change is coming... but for now, I'm just digging the Christmas vibe and trying to stay happy.

And that's about it! (check out new photos on Flickr).

Here's to you Mrs Guthwert...

Tonight is her last.
I'm not sure why I feel like this wedding is so important... I have been to many before.
But this one, it seems more real. Maybe because I can imagine myself in the same position, someday.

Tonight she will be Laine for the last time.
I wish her so much love and hope that it hurts.

I want to see her, to look at her one more time as her old self.

I am too sentimental.
Chapters end... books end... yet I still want to turn another page.
To start afresh is difficult, but I understand and have experienced that it can prove more rewarding.
I am almost in tears every time I imagine her standing next to him, promising to love him forever.

I am almost in tears because I don't believe it in principle... but I want to believe it so much.
My heart is breaking just imagining it. The humility, the modesty or surrendering, giving yourself to another and believing with all your heart it is true. I can't think otherwise.

It is true.
It is love.
It will be.

I wish you bluebirds in the Spring,
To give your heart a song to sing.
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love.

I'm still here...

I'm balancing on a tightrope at the moment. My head is spinning, my mouth is dry and I'm scared. It's exhilirating at the same time though. Teetering precariously over the vast space, the infinite nothing that lies below. Dramatic sounding? I know, but it's how I feel right now.
Decisions. Too many. Too few. Everything seems to be a contradiction.
I can't sleep. I can't wake up. My mind is racing about three months ahead of my body and I'm exhausted trying to keep up.

But don't worry. I may not be talking much, but I'm thinking and I'm getting there... wherever "there" may be.

"When you feel like you're sinking, keep treading water until you're so tired you think you'll drown. But you won't. You just float to the surface again."
I thought it last year and I'm thinking it again.
Disconnection, extension. Continuing down that hazy road... I didn't see all the rocks in my way and they are proving to be difficult to negotiate.

But a few scraped knees and bruised ankles never hurt anyone right?

Up and down

So I didn't get into Uni. Which means I won't have a student card. Which means I won't get cheap travel. Which means I won't be visiting Australia.
Also means I'll have to think of something else to do. The thought of that makes me feel so tired.
Part of me is excited by the idea of travelling and seeing new things, but then, part of me is exhausted by the thought of always travelling and seeing new things. People around me are starting to settle down, buy houses, get married, have children. And here I am trying to think of which country I should live in next. Not really how I expected my life to be.
I guess the thing I should do is focus on music. It's about the only thing I have any real control over.
Work on my own stuff for the rest of the year and then move somewhere a little more... enthusiatic about live music and try again.
I almost wish it was 20 years ago and I could just meet any nice man and get married. Almost.