Random thoughts and occasional interesting information... but mainly random thoughts.

The times they are a changin'

2010-07-05T07:03:00.002+03:00

It's been nearly a year exactly since I blogged last. Slack, yes but truth be told I haven't had much to blog about. My daughter is nearly two now and last week we had a second little girl.

Two little girls and one partner who is obsessed with renovating the bathroom.

I am sick of hearing about taps and tiles and plumbing. I simply don't care.

We have a week old baby and he is excited about the shower curtain he's just bought and I'm being a kill joy because I have other things on my mind. I'm trying to be diplomatic and patient... and probably failing, but when I get home for lunch after my first morning out with both girls to find dishes still in the sink and the water switched off when there are pooey nappies to change, I can't help being a bit pissed off.

So my new posts will probably be in this tone... a way to vent at my partner without physically harming him!

On a brighter note, my daughters are just beautiful. The eldest is possibly quite loopy, but heaps of fun and very smart... too smart sometimes. The newest one is so chilled out. Calm, cool, beautiful. I feel so happy with our lot. I just hope my partner can ignore the renovations long enough to enjoy them while they're so perfect and while they still want parents around!

House Wife

2009-07-13T07:50:00.002+03:00

I am married to my house.

Each morning I wake up and it wants me. It uses me. It relies on me.

Day in

Day out

Always the same.

Vacuum Dust Mop Scrub Dishes Clothes Bed

Always more, it never ends.

I need it and it needs me.

In sickness and in health, till death do I succumb.

It feeds my insanity.

The endless walls, the endless grime, the endless work.

I am considering divorce.

A loveless marriage, an arranged marriage, yet I can't give it up.

I am a House Wife... I think I must consider an affair in order to maintain my mental health.

I wanna be like Mike...

2009-07-10T12:34:00.004+03:00

I'm inspired by Mike's return to the blogging scene and thought maybe I'd give it another whirl.

Facebook just doesn't give the same sense of accomplishment.

Been a big couple of years.

I just re-read my last post and realised it wasn't a particularly positive one to end on.

Things have changed... oh yes they have.

Two years ago I was a bit lonely.

A bit lost, looking for something or someone.

Two years ago I was busy.

Going out, staying out, rocking out, playing up.

Two years ago I was bored.

Work, study, work, study, drink, drink, drink.

Two years on and life is full.

Full of a daughter, husband (to be), music, laughter, games, baby talk, friends, still rocking out

and love.

So much love.

It just keeps getting better and harder and easier and lovelier and more rocking all the time.

Those words that mean nothing.

2007-02-17T03:30:00.000+02:00

Sometimes... often in fact, there are feelings you want to share that you just can't find words to express. Times like this make me realise how much I rely on words. I am a musician, an artist, a communicator and yet I still can't tell people how I feel.

I wish I could wrap them up in tissue paper and bubble wrap so that when life bounces them around they don't feel the jolts so badly. I wish I could hold them and stroke their heads, tell them everything was going to be alright and not be lying. Stick a tracking device to the soles of their feet so that they know they will never be alone, that someone will always be looking out for them, someone will always know where they are.
I wish I could do or say something to make it all better... but I can't and no-one else can either.

When you cry I can't help the tears dribbling down my cheeks.
I mimick the quietness of your sad voice without realising.
I don't want to ask questions, to intrude... I just want to know you're okay. Even though I know that you definitely are not.
So I guess I want to tell you that I know you're not okay and that's fine.

I will be here whenever you need me and even when you don't.

I'm Back in the Land Down Under.

2007-02-06T09:41:00.000+02:00

So here I am.
Back in St Kilda.
Back in my box.
Am I happy? So far.

I miss Helsinki. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my lovely urban apartment. I miss being a couple of hours flight from the rest of Europe. I miss all the lactose free products.

But I love the sun here! I love the coffee. I love the cheap clothes. I love being near the rest of my family. I love the food.
I am happy. I feel like a foreigner in my own country though. Like that Sting song: "I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien".
I feel a little different now. But then maybe I always will. It's not a bad thing though.

So here I am.
Back home.

Christmas 2006

2006-12-17T16:44:00.000+02:00

Last night we had a lovely party. Good food, great friends and the cocktails flowed freely all night.

Hyvää joulua kaikkille!

Check out flickr for the shots...

No news is good news

2006-12-05T11:10:00.000+02:00

Yes, I have been slack.
I think it's more a case of life settling. I have been busy, I have been doing lots of things, but I have had no desire to write about them. Sorry.

So, this post will be a brief catch up on what I've been doing for the past few months.

I've been working hard.
I went to Berlin (again).
I've been to many parties.
I went to Turku (for 24 hours exactly).
I've been making plans for something big... but I can't tell you yet.

I've been really enjoying life lately.
I'm living in the city with Nik and I've got to admit, urban living is definitely for me. I feel more relaxed when I can hear the constant bustle of the city. We have a nice thing going on. Nice apartment, great friends, good times.
We're both broke, but hey! What's new?

I am supposed to be recording an album in January with these great musicians. I can't really believe it's going to happen because something always manages to screw up these kind of arrangements for me... but we'll see.

I feel very peaceful at the moment. I know a change is coming... but for now, I'm just digging the Christmas vibe and trying to stay happy.

And that's about it! (check out new photos on Flickr).

Here's to you Mrs Guthwert...

2006-10-05T22:07:00.000+03:00

Tonight is her last.
I'm not sure why I feel like this wedding is so important... I have been to many before.
But this one, it seems more real. Maybe because I can imagine myself in the same position, someday.

Tonight she will be Laine for the last time.
I wish her so much love and hope that it hurts.

I want to see her, to look at her one more time as her old self.

I am too sentimental.
Chapters end... books end... yet I still want to turn another page.
To start afresh is difficult, but I understand and have experienced that it can prove more rewarding.
I am almost in tears every time I imagine her standing next to him, promising to love him forever.

I am almost in tears because I don't believe it in principle... but I want to believe it so much.
My heart is breaking just imagining it. The humility, the modesty or surrendering, giving yourself to another and believing with all your heart it is true. I can't think otherwise.

It is true.
It is love.
It will be.

I wish you bluebirds in the Spring,
To give your heart a song to sing.
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love.

I'm still here...

2006-08-23T22:13:00.000+03:00

I'm balancing on a tightrope at the moment. My head is spinning, my mouth is dry and I'm scared. It's exhilirating at the same time though. Teetering precariously over the vast space, the infinite nothing that lies below. Dramatic sounding? I know, but it's how I feel right now.
Decisions. Too many. Too few. Everything seems to be a contradiction.
I can't sleep. I can't wake up. My mind is racing about three months ahead of my body and I'm exhausted trying to keep up.

But don't worry. I may not be talking much, but I'm thinking and I'm getting there... wherever "there" may be.

"When you feel like you're sinking, keep treading water until you're so tired you think you'll drown. But you won't. You just float to the surface again."
I thought it last year and I'm thinking it again.
Disconnection, extension. Continuing down that hazy road... I didn't see all the rocks in my way and they are proving to be difficult to negotiate.

But a few scraped knees and bruised ankles never hurt anyone right?

Up and down

2006-07-18T18:12:00.000+03:00

So I didn't get into Uni. Which means I won't have a student card. Which means I won't get cheap travel. Which means I won't be visiting Australia.
Also means I'll have to think of something else to do. The thought of that makes me feel so tired.
Part of me is excited by the idea of travelling and seeing new things, but then, part of me is exhausted by the thought of always travelling and seeing new things. People around me are starting to settle down, buy houses, get married, have children. And here I am trying to think of which country I should live in next. Not really how I expected my life to be.
I guess the thing I should do is focus on music. It's about the only thing I have any real control over.
Work on my own stuff for the rest of the year and then move somewhere a little more... enthusiatic about live music and try again.
I almost wish it was 20 years ago and I could just meet any nice man and get married. Almost.

Italia - Campioni Del Monde!

2006-07-14T23:52:00.000+03:00

July the 9th 2006.
This is a day I'll be telling my grandkids about. "I remember the night I was in Sorrento when Italy won the World Cup".

The feeling of standing in the middle of a small Southern Italian town wrapped in an Italian flag, drinking wine on the street and cheering along with almost the entire population as Italy won the penalty round to become the Campioni del Monde is one that I can't really describe. And there was a full moon.
The crowd literally errupted after the last goal. Flags, fireworks, mini bombs that seemed to explode next to your feet, scooters carrying eight people and ten huge flags each, cars and trucks over flowing with people painted in green, red and white and that song! The Italian team's theme song was the bass line from "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes. I will never hear that song and not think of Italy again.
We (Brett, Melissa, Hannah and I) watched the celebrations, ate gelati and drank wine until we ran into Andrea, the waiter I had met a couple of nights ago dancing down the road with a huge flag in his hands and on his face. So, he and his friends took us to a club and we partied until the early hours of the morning.
When we had danced ourselves out, we attempted to get a cab but as there was none, Andrea took us back to our camp site two at a time on his moped. There is nothing quite as thrilling as racing up a winding cliff road on the back of a tiny scooter at 3am in Italy.
Then Andrea, who seemed to have taken a fancy to me, took me down a "road" (which I swear had steps) to a cliff that had the most amazing view of the bay of Naples. I must admit it was a little bit romantic. The total Sorrento experience. Apparently, I am welcome back whenever I like.

I left early the next morning for Rome where I spent one sleepless night (way too hot) before flying back to Berlin for a night. I stayed with Bianca, who I'd run into in the subway on my last night in Berlin the week before, in her fabulously cool and cheap apartment in the East. She had some other Aussie dancers (none of whom lived in Australia anymore... who does nowadays anyway???) staying with her, so we caught up on gossip, ate some tasty pasta (rivalling some of the ones I'd had in Italy), drank some wine and ended up at the local chatting until could barely keep our eyes open. On the way back home we felt a bit hungry (naturally at 1am), so as we passed a bakery that had it's window open and convinced them to sell us some fresh bread. There is nothing better than fresh warm bread at 1am in the morning!

When I woke up the next morning, I managed to get to the airport with 5 mins to spare to check in! But I made it... even if I had to run. With a backpack. In 30 degree heat. Not pretty.

The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful and as soon as I got back to Helsinki I came down with a nasty cold so I've been lying low for the last couple of days.
It's nice to be back, but I'm still dreaming of Italy.

By the sweet Sorrento moon indeed.

By the sweet Sorrento moon...

2006-07-13T13:32:00.000+03:00

Italia! Che Bella!
Forgive my lack of updates, but as soon as I arrived in Naples I got too busy enjoying myself.
I stayed in a fantastic hostel called Fabric which is in an adorable (run by the Mafia) town in Naples called Portici. By the coast, no tourists (except for us hostelers) and most importantly... cheap cheap cheap food and clothes! Nearly blew my budget here.
I met some lovely Irish girls in the pool on the first night as we attempted to choreograph some simple syncronized swimming... when I say pool I actually mean blow up waist height wading pool. So after bonding over ... well, alcohol really, I decided to head off to The Isle of Capri with them the following day.
Capri is somewhat of a disappointment. I mean, It was beautiful and the water was exeptionally amazing, but there were SO many tourists it was hard to actually hear any Italian! And where were all the good looking men????
However, we managed to entertain ourselves eating gelato and trying to get invited on to one of the enormous yachts in the harbour. We were not successful.
So we caught the boat back to Sorrento where we happened to meet Andrea/Andrew in a little (huge) restaurant in town. This young man has lived in Sorrento all his life but due to his English mother has the broadest Northern London accent when he speaks English. Naturally we all flirted with him, recieved free drinks and his number.
The next day we headed off to Pompei which was pretty amazing. Unfortunately, half way through we got stuck in a HUGE summer storm. Lightning, thunder and bucket loads of rain. Unperturbed (for at least awhile) we continued through the city in search of the corpses... which eluded us. Finally, soaked to the skin and exhausted, we gave up and headed back to Portici.
After a shower, dry clothes and a fantastic pizza (and much wine) we ended up back at the hostel which was also a club. The owners were having a party and after mentioning I was a singer, one of them organised a couple of guitarists and before I knew it I was on stage singing Hendrix, Beatles and REM to a room full of drunk Italians and back packers!
The next day I parted ways with the Irish girls and headed off to meet an Aussie couple and an English girl in Sorrento. And considering calling my local contact.
Exhausted by this stage, I spent most of the time at the camping ground beach, lying in the sea or on the "oh so comfortable" rocks, working on my tan. Preparing myself for the following night... Italy vs France in the final.
But more on that tomorrow...

Ciao Bella!

2006-07-05T13:14:00.000+03:00

Man, it's hot.
I arrived in Rome and managed to catch the last half of the Germany Italy match and was most disappointed when Italy won. However, minutes later as I was sitting with my new found Canadian friend Keith on a main Roman street drinking coolish beer and watching thousands of crazy Italians speeding past on scooters and hanging out of cars... I felt somewhat better. And also had discovered where the White Stripes stole their famous riff from.
However, hours later back in the stinking hot hostel, the constant horn blowing was beginning to lose its charm. Get me the fuck out of here.

So, I jumped on the first train to Naples. And here I am...

Oh yeah, I also spent a few days in Berlin. This is a very cool city, but not a great one to explore on your own. Met some people during a pub crawl, but then got too pissed to actually exchange any contact info anyway!
Then on the last night I met Bianca, from Perth. We went to Uni together. We happened to meet in the S Bahn. Now I have somewhere to stay on my return journey. Life's weird that way.

Can't be fucked writing any more because I'm absolutely starving and need to shower.
Stay tuned for more installments from the reluctant traveller...

Desired Constellation

2006-06-29T22:17:00.000+03:00

I have a silly superstition that every other year is a "bad" one... and you guessed it, this is one of those.
This may seem kind of a negative way of thinking but so far my 27th year is not turning out all sweetness and light.

I feel like I'm losing in every respect of my life.
Everytime I start to pull up level with the rest of the runners, I trip over something stupid, fall over and I'm last again.
Sometimes I realise that I've been running the wrong race and even though I just won, it doesn't mean anything.

I have no ambition. No drive. No idea of what I want to do with my life.
Things that make me happy will not earn me enough money to eat and I can't seem to get my head around doing anything to rectify this.

Everyone around me seems to be moving forward. Getting married, divorced, having kids, buying houses, graduating, enrolling... doing something. But me... well, I'm just thinking about moving again. If at first you don't succeed, take the next plane out of there!

Apparently I am so wonderful that I am impossible to fall in love with. My ex-boyfriend doesn't even know why he feels compelled to leave me. I'm sure as soon as he hooks up with a 19 year old Russian model he'll figure it out.

I'm wallowing in self pity, watching Sex and the City, eating cake and reading my star signs religiously.
I'm just waiting for that magical alignment of my planets that will make everything okay again.

Until then, I'm off to Italy. At least there no-one will understand what I'm moaning about. Ciao!

It's a Beautiful Day!

2006-06-17T18:48:00.000+03:00

Today really made me realise how much I missed the sun during winter... apart from the sunburn I have now.
Coming from Australia you'd think I'd remember to put on sunscreen, but the sun seems so pathetically weak here that I didn't think about it... and suffered the consequences! I won't forget again though... red just doesn't go with most of my clothes!

In other news... The Helsinki Samba Festival was on today and I witnessed the start of the parade through the city.
What can I say, it wasn't exactly Carnivale in Brazil. A number of white, not too trim, Finnish women wearing sequinns and feathers attempting to shake their booties. It wasn't very pretty and certainly didn't inspire me to samba... broken foot or not!

With a little help from my friends.

2006-06-15T16:22:00.000+03:00

I will never have another birthday party again.

Nothing could be better than the one I just had! It was one of those days where I felt so loved and like the whole world was working for me.

The sun was shining, my friends all looked impossibly gorgeous, there was champagne, strawberries, homemade cake and even a band! It was truly amazing.

Katariina and Joakim arrive with my cake! How she manages to ride with a whole cake is totally beyond me... and it tasted fabulous.

The folk band that happened to be playing nearby... they were fantastic!

The picnic.

Thank you all!!! I love you all.

Aussie Aussie Aussie oi oi oi

2006-06-13T00:25:00.000+03:00

The afternoon started poorly.
Stuck in Espoo at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere with a broken foot and crutches.
The bus I had planned to get apparently didn't actually take the route I thought it was supposed to (discovered later on that it did and the bus driver was a sadistic bastard who obviously likes teasing the disabled).
So 45 minutes later I'm FINALLY on a bus back to N's house in the hope of catching at least some of the last half of the Japan vs Australia game.
The bus driver had clearly only recently (like yesterday) passed his test and was doing everything by the book. For example, stopping for pedestrian crossings... even when there were no pedestrians.
So the 10 minute bus ride stretched into 25 and the game is heading into injury time...
I hobble through the door with 20 minutes to go and settle down with a cold (crap) Finnish beer just in time to witness the first Aussie goal.
In my excitement I managed to spill beer all over my head (good for the hair though) and all over my jeans. But a goal!!!!
Another two goals later and I was out of beer and my hair was soaked. But three goals! In 20 minutes!
N and I, being the only two Aussies, had a moment of intense patriotism while listening to ACDC.
However, three games later (not to mention the computer football games inbetween) has me a little footed out.

But, each time I think of those goals I have to smile.
Australia... you made an hour of sitting at bus stops in Espoo worth it.

Let the sun shine!

2006-06-12T10:41:00.000+03:00

Some of my friends are complaining about the weather here at the moment. I don't understand it. After months of freezing temperatures, I am blissful at the first suggestion of sun! I realise it isn't as hot as it could be (or was last year) but it's still over 20 degrees and sunny and hey, that's good enough for me!

Right now I am sitting at N's computer (just for a change of scenery) listening to a lawnmower and inhaling the sweet scent of freshly cut grass. The sun is shining and a mild breeze is gently blowing over me. There are only two probelems... number 1, my lack of mobility is starting to REALLY frustrate me and secondly, MTV is playing Macarena... something must be done regarding this situation. Hmmm, scary... yet fascinating.

Anyway... so football. I am watching and I am enjoying. This afternoon Australia is playing Japan and I will be in the middle of getting a new cast. I am not impressed. However, I have timed the buses and if the doctor hurries, I should be able to make the second half.

My God this is a boring post, even I'm bored writing it. Sorry. Expect a depressed post tomorrow regarding my turning 27... I\m sure I'll have many issues to discuss with myself. Stay tuned!

Some days

2006-06-09T15:03:00.000+03:00

Most days I love being abroad. I love knowing that I am totally free and not tied down in anyway. I could pick up and leave tomorrow if I chose to. I love meeting new people, I love seeing new places, planning the next places I'll go and the imagining the next people I'll meet. Most of the time it's exciting and interesting and I love it.

But sometimes I feel so far away. Sometimes I don't want new fabulous friends. I want the old ones that have known me for years. The ones I can just call up for a beer without worrying about looking lonely or pathetic. The ones that when I feel a bit down, I know they will say the right things to make me feel better.
Being around people that are new is exciting, but at the same time it is kind of tiring. It seems so conditional all the time. They have nothing invested in me so they don't really care about me as much as I'd like. It's not that they don't want to... they just don't know me. I often feel like I need to make alot more effort. Then there is trying to balance the difference between being enthusiastic and just seeming desperate.

Today I spoke to an old friend. Now I feel homesick. I imagined what it would be like if he was here now. We'd just hang out, play some guitar, drink some beer, watch some football. It would feel like home. Today I don't feel like I'm at home. I feel like I'm far away.

And counting...

2006-06-06T10:19:00.000+03:00

Today is my one year anniversary of my arrival in Finland. I'm not going to reminisce too much, but it looks pretty much the same today as it did then.
I'm surprised it's been a year, but then I'm surprised it's only been a year. I feel more comfortable in this country, well in Helsinki at least, than I've felt for almost ever. But at the same time, I don't think I can stay here for years. Maybe not even two years, but we'll see.
I've managed to accomplish a fair amount in a year I think.

I'm not fluent, but I can swear convincingly, order food fairly convincingly and at least look like I understand what's going on most of the time.
I have made lots of great friends, and I've even managed to lose some... well, not so great friends. Natural selection I guess.
I have had been employed twice without having to speak a word of either of the national languages and I've remained employed in the best job I've ever had. Despite having three weeks off to nurse my broken foot.

The only real regret I have is that I haven't been singing.
But I'm still working on it and I actually wrote a song tonight that I may still like tomorrow!
I was concerned for awhile that I'd lost my muse... but my muse only inspired pathetic sad love songs so it's definitely for the best. Maybe I have a new muse? Maybe I am just inspired by life itself? Maybe I unknowingly just ripped off a song I heard on MTV earlier...

I have slightly more of an idea of what my future holds today then I did this time last year, but it's still only short term stuff.
Questions have been forming but the answers are going to take some time.
The most important thing is that I am truly happy. I love my life.
I have never felt more loved before and more content with myself.

Last year I stepped off the plane and although I was thinking "What the fuck have I just got myself into?", my heart was already beating in time to the Helsinki pulse.
I am meant to be here.

All about my foot.

2006-05-30T11:16:00.000+03:00

The doctor put a cast on it, gave me crutches, told me not to put any weight on it for at least a week and sent me home with three weeks sick leave.
And I was worried about not spending much time at home...

It's very difficult to walk with crutches, not to mention bathe, cook. and just generally move. My arms are KILLING me! I have no upper body strength and man, I can feel it!

So, if you're reading this and you're in visiting distance... now's the time baby!

One of the many ways I avoid studying.

2006-05-27T22:06:00.000+03:00

Mailmaa kylässä festivaali! World Village Festival! Food, music, sunshine! God is working against me...

This is Galaxy a Senegalese group who played Senegalese inspired hip hop (if I had to define it). They also featured a Finnish MC called Pale Face. Very cool music to dance to... yes, I'm still dancing and my foot is still broken and I'll tell you what, I'm feeling it now.

This is an awesome Finnish hip hop/jazz(?)/funk band called The Don Johnson Big Band. I had heard of these guys but very mixed comments. I've gotta say though, they were very cool. The lead singer Tommy Lindgren has SO much energy I couldn't believe it. Running around the stage, jumping and crazy dancing throughout the whole gig. Impressive to say the least.

And these guys (there was a drummer and a... um... another member playing multiple instruments such as... um... instruments I don't know the names of!) were from Iran, Algeria and France and they played Hendrix covers! Naturally...

Music... the only universal language!

a little technical question

2006-05-27T11:50:00.000+03:00

Help people! Why is my blog all weird? Why are the posts all stuck at the bottom? How do I fix this and make it look cool again?

Finland's Heroes

2006-05-27T11:31:00.000+03:00

I believe there are only a very few situations in my life where I really need a strong man. One of these situations is when you really need to be taller to take photos at a rock concert. In this case, girlfriends just don't cut it!
Yes, I was a part of Finnish history last night. I was there, amongst the tens of thousands, to "see" Lordi play in Helsinki for their adoring fans. Of course all I could see were people's heads!

However, the atmosphere was pretty awesome and I've got to say there is something pretty special about a whole city of people chanting in unison... almost spiritual in fact. Even if they were chanting "Lordi, Lordi, Lordi".

This was my best picture using the biggest zoom in I could manage and a lot of guess work. The camera saw a hell of a lot more than I did.

But the most exciting part of my night was yet to happen.
Trains in Helsinki are not usually very crowded and when three times as many people as usual try to fit onto one, people freak out. I managed to almost get into an argument with an old lady who was blocking the door into one carriage by standing outside the window and suggesting (very politely) with hand actions that she move down a bit so the rest of the people suffocating at the door could have some room. She refused to respond to me so the rest of the carriage took up my cause and in the end I was on the train with some new friends and a seat! The seat of course I offered to the grumpy old lady... but she apparently didn't want it. Unfortunately, one of my new found friends was an old drunk guy who couldn't speak English except to say that "everything's ok" and "I love you". Kind of scary. He kept asking people to translate for him. Thank God no-one seemed to speak English on the train that night. My Finnish has improved enough now to understand that he though that because I was a young English girl on my own, people should look after me. And that he thought the girls in the carriage next to us should brush their teeth.
So my night ended with a drunken man kissing my forehead and me giggling all the way home!
I know I asked for more romance but that was not quite what I was thinking!

You can't always get what you want.

2006-05-26T18:20:00.000+03:00

But I usually do! I'd like to thank the person who put a little bit of sugar in my bowl. It is most appreciated!

In other news, Lordi is playing for free in town tonight and I really feel that I would regret missing this historic occasion if I don't go... but I'm so fucking tired! I haven't slept properly all week and now it's really catching up on me. I look about 5 years older! I feel about 10 years older... but they're the winners of Eurovision... I have to go.

Going to stay home and study continuously for the next two weeks. Firstly because the exam is Thursday week and secondly (and most importantly) I am incredibly broke and can't afford to leave my house. So don't expect much excitement from this blog until after June the 15th!

Once again, if you feel so inclined to send me money... or care packages... email me for details!

I want a little sugar in my bowl...

2006-05-24T17:20:00.000+03:00

Romance. I want it.

I've been watching "Sex and the City" recently (just to see what all the fuss is about) and apart from making me wish I lived in Manhattan and had Carrie Bradshaw's wardrobe, it has made me all romantic.

Today I was trying to remember the last time I did something romantic with someone and realised I was thinking back years.

My first real love was romantic. He took me dancing in an empty dance studio on our first date and taught me how to waltz. He also wrote a song for me... there's nothing much more romantic than that.

My second love had moments of romance. A trip to the beach where we slept in the car and ate fish and chips by the light of the setting sun.

I have had others, males and females, be romantic both platonically and... um... romantically (?) but even these occasions are few and far between nowdays.
What is it about me now that encourages such complacency?
Where are the flowers?
Where are the notes left on my pillow?
Where are the surprise nights out?

Perhaps I am too self sufficient... too willing to pay my own way, look after myself... no room for Prince Charmings.

Fuck that! I want to be a princess too sometimes.

I don't want expensive dinners. I don't want presents. I don't want elaborate plans.
I just want someone to make me feel truly beautiful and special. I don't want to be just one of the guys or worse...

I'm not asking for the world... just a bottle of bubbly, a punnet of strawberries and your undivided attention.

2006-05-22T16:57:00.000+03:00

Hopefully this will be a link to my latest photos on Flickr... I do apologise for my computer retardedness, Jhuny, but you should know that by now!

Anyway, I have nothing much more to say... no-one is emailing me so I'm feeling very neglected. Obviously all your lives are far too boring to tell me about them! Well, bugger you all then (just kidding... EMAIL ME EMAIL ME EMAIL ME).

Hard Rock Hallelujah

2006-05-21T14:37:00.000+03:00

It's been quite a weekend here in Helsinki.
We lost the ice hockey the the Czech Republic and it's been raining all weekend, but... and I still can't quite believe it...
WE WON EUROVISION SONG CONTEST!
For those of you who don't understand the significance of this win, in the history of Eurovision Finland is best known for consistantly finishing last or close to. Normally we are happy if we get 20 points but last night history was made.
Finland scored 292 points... and our entry were monsters. We entered a death metal (very pop sounding death metal) band called Lordi that dress up like monsters and sing about angels and demons. Weird.
I am a little concerned at how this will effect our global image, particularly as Finland is seen already as somewhat of an unusual country. I guess though there's no such thing as bad publicity?

But the thing that really annoys me is that now Lordi have ruined my master plan at winning Eurovision and becoming a national heroine. Those who know me will remember my promise to enter and win the Eurovision song contest. But now a bunch of satanic monsters have beat me to it!
Well, at least it has shocked me out of my complacently and next year, I will win. God knows what kind of gimick I'll need though...

Hyvää Suomi!

Bones

2006-05-17T20:52:00.000+03:00

The doctor rang and there is a small fracture in my foot.
So instead of a few weeks of recovery, now it's many weeks AND I am supposed to get hard soled shoes to help mend it.
WTF??? I mean, I don't want a cast, but hard soled shoes? They are going to be so expensive! I wonder if Dr. Marten's count as hard soled... not that I've actually seen any here but I'm sure I could find them.
Crap crap crap double crap.

And the most disappointing thing (apart from not being able to dance) is not being able to go to gym class. I was getting into this whole gym junkie thing! But I've made an great exercise play list and am choreographing a non-foot routine for myself.
Now I just need someone to stand in my room and yell encouraging things at me in Finnish!

News Flash

2006-05-15T22:09:00.000+03:00

New photos on FLICKR!!! Hurry! Check out the photographic proof of all my ramblings! For a short time only (actually that's a lie... I have no idea how to take them off now!)

How long do I have to wait for you baby?

2006-05-13T20:26:00.000+03:00

Not a week goes by at the moment when I don't manage to injure myself or get sick. Last week I woke up with a pinched nerve in my hip, the week before I had an annoying cold, the week before that, I don't even remember but God knows I wasn't healthy.
And this week I managed to sprain my foot. Not my ankle this time, but my foot. At least there is a good story to this one!

It all began with a new pair of shoes and a 50 year old woman named Sharon Jones...

On Thursday night we went to see Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings and it was possibly one of the best gigs I've seen. And those who know me understand what a big statement that is.
The support group were the highly esteemed Finnish jazz quintet, The Five Corners Jazz Quintet, named after the five corner intersection here in Helsinki. I hadn't heard these guys before and I gotta say I was impressed... and that was before the rum and coke! They played a tight set of latin and hard bop and the drummer kicked ass.
However, as soon as the Dap-Kings hit the stage they were all but forgotten.
Decked out in matching suits, the 7 piece band didn't waste any time getting down and funky. The crowd was already grooving and Ms Jones was nowhere in sight. The bass player sang and mc'd for the first 4 songs and then when the crowd was at boiling point out came the lady of the hour.
If I look like this when I'm 50 I'm going to bottle my blood and sell it on Ebay.
Dressed in high ankle boots and a skirt that barely stayed below her ass, she strutted out onto the stage and hit it.

I could not stop dancing or smiling the minute she hit that stage.

She has the kind of voice you thought only existed on records nowadays and her dancing put James Brown to shame.

But wait, you're all asking yourselves... how did I sprain my foot? Dancing? No. Did someone step on it? No.
Sharon liked to pull people up on stage to dance with her and naturally, being the total show off that I am, I found myself up there shaking what my Mama gave me in front of a packed house. I even sang a bit with her! Despite the fact that it was the first time I'd ever heard the song! Ah, funk... it's just like jazz. But it was such an awesome experience. She said I represented Helsinki! I didn't have the heart to tell her I'd only been here for a few months.
So then I was getting off the stage with the help of two charming men... two charming men who didn't really help much at all and left me crashing toward the ground in 3 inch heels. So that's how I initially hurt my foot. But then I kept dancing for another hour and walked halfway home... that's how I really fucked it!

It was a shame that I hurt it particularly when we were back stage sharing an apple with Ms Jones and the boys and were invited to the after party (after all of them "checking" that I didn't have a boyfriend... musicians are sooo subtle). But I was in far too much pain by that stage, both rums and the Jalo had worn off by this stage.
However I did hang around long enough to be told that my dancing made the bass player lose count and that I got them all grooving. I must admit, that was really nice to hear. Oh, and they liked my singing too!
So with funk and compliments ringing in my ear, the rum and cokes wearing off in my blood and pain shooting up my leg, I hobbled home to lie flat on my back for the next two days. Ah, life sweet life!

Helsinki.... I represent you! And if I represent you... you're in trouble!

Defining fruit.

2006-05-10T18:40:00.000+03:00

They were always my tomatoes it seems.
Although I was happy to share, at least pretend they were ours.

So here I am. Sunny days. Where's the rain when you need it?

I was fine before and I will be fine again. The sun can only shine brighter and the days get longer from here on.

Coming back.

2006-05-10T06:01:00.000+03:00

Sometimes after a trip to the moon re-entry is tough.

You just have to try to remember the stars.

Sun

2006-05-08T16:32:00.000+03:00

And all of a sudden it's 25 degrees and I have a tan. This country is crazy! The last week has been absolutely beautiful, weather wise. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the birds are singing, ducks are getting ready to get down together... very inspiring!
I had a very chilled out weekend. Just lying around in the sun, hanging out with friends in the sun, eating icecream... in the sun, drinking beer... in the sun. Very nice.
Last night I went to check out this Helsinki Improv gig which was ... interesting. One of the highlights was a guy who combined American heavy metal and Icelandic folk music. This was followed by an hour of electronic music... a guy making noises on his various computers. Don't get me wrong, it was interesting and I did like some of it... BUT AN HOUR!!! I was beginning to wonder if he'd ever stop. And I missed The Amazing Race for this!

The summer is really beginning to effect people. Everyone is sitting around with as few clothes as possible, trying to soak up as much sun as they can before it disappears again. Because you just never know here. It could snow tomorrow.
The biggest problem with summer though is that people drink a hell of a lot, even more than during winter, and then they all relieve themselves outside. Not behind bushes or trees, but just against any wall, anywhere! It's kind of off putting to be honest. And not just men...

However, I will gladly dodge the piss and avoid the empty beer bottles and rejoice in the beautiful sun.

Procrastinating...

2006-05-03T18:31:00.000+03:00

I love my computer so much that I can't seem to leave it alone now! I have my sociology books sitting next to it as though I can somehow absorb the information without actually reading it, or opening the front cover.
I keep coming up with excuses, things I REALLY need to do, like catalouge all my music into easily accessible play lists or catch up on people's blogs that I don't even know. Now I am just killing time until Jamie Oliver in Italy comes on TV, then after THAT I will definitely study.

Hmm, seems I don't really have anything to say either. Have I mentioned it's stopped snowing!!!

Vappu

2006-05-02T18:14:00.000+03:00

Everyone warned me about this extremely popular Finnish holiday. They warned me that you were expected to drink until you couldn't stand up, that everyone in Helsinki would be out and about and totally wasted and that it would rain on the picnic day.

It didn't rain anyway...

It was a great weekend! Beginning with a night of dancing with Cat at Tavastia. Her partner "Slick Ray" is the guitarist in a very popular Helsinki funk band called Eternal Erection, so we went and boogied all night long (well, for a couple of hours anyway). I had heard about this band for months, but they play publicly so irregurarly that this was the first time I'd seen them and I was impressed. Decked out in pin striped suits, playing a mix of choice covers and P-Funk influenced originals, they had energy and charisma and they funked. As I felt my feet sticking to the beer covered floor I was transported back to days of Funk Fiction at the Evelyn... oh, back in the day!

Then Saturday produced wonderful weather, despite the gale force wind, so Frida and I took a long walk around Seurasaari and I was amazed to see how different it looked without the snow. It is amazing how quickly Spring appeared. It was literally over a weekend! I left work one Friday and it was snowing then I went back Monday and I needed sunglasses! Crazy!
Then Saturday night was pretty chilled. Hanging out in Oujee (pronounced Oh Yeah), listening to some cool music, trying not to drink (failing) and having conversations about Melbourne hippies and hanging pictures.

So I woke on Sunday feeling fresh and good. N and I braved the S-market in the city to gather supplies for my Thai influenced noodle salad and to stock up on more alcohol. What normally would've taken maybe 30 minutes ended up being about 3 hours! There was a buzz in the city. People carrying helium balloons, drinking already, kids going nuts... I was beginning to feel a little nervous.
We bussed out to Kannelmäki (almost in a forest!) with our supply of booze, three kilos of salad (I got a little carried away) and our makkara to grill. The party was great fun. A great mix of Turks, Spanish, French, Czech, Aussie, Italian, American and I think there were a couple of Finns there too. It was so nice to be in such a multicultural group, particularly as they are all totally mad! There was dancing, there was strange explanations of dangerous sounding games, there were arguments about Aussie rules versus every other ball sport and there was a shit load of eating and drinking.
Makes me wish Vappu happened every weekend.

And then on Monday, May Day, we headed off to Kaivopuisto with half of Helsinki for the traditional hungover picnic. And there was sun! So much sun I have freckles now (and a slightly red nose)!
I can not believe how many people were there! I didn't actually think there was that many people in Helsinki altogether!!
And there is this weird tradition where everyone wears their high school graduation hats for the day. Not the Amercian style ones, but sailor style caps. I've got to say, it looked really weird!!!
We met up with the Turks as well as almost everyone else we knew in this city, ate more food, drank sparkling wine and generally chilled out in the sun.
The Turks demonstrated the dangerous sounding game they had been describing the previous night... and it doesn't just sound dangerous, I was surprised no-one left in an ambulance. It basically involves one guy standing against a tree and the others forming a rugby scrummage style line in front of him... for those who can't imagine, they stick their heads inbetween the others legs. Yes, I know, it's weird. And then when they have this line, someone vaults on to the top of their backs and lands as hard as they can in an attempt to break the line. Then someone else, then someone else... I will be posting photos at a later date! I can imagine that next Vappy this will be the official sport!

So, I am no longer a Vappu virgin and I think I did it in style. I didn't throw up in the street (or anywhere for that matter), I made it to the picnic and I even found some streamers to string around my neck at some point!
Next year, however, I will get myself a sailors hat.

Computer love

2006-04-28T20:37:00.000+03:00

It's back and I'm in love again!
My fingers trace the weird Japanese/Finnish keyboard like an old lover, remembering automatically where the comma is and that forward slash... *sigh*

Well, now that I'm back on line and in my room, you can expect correspondence to be back to normal... as in, I will email you again now!

Happy happy happy happy!

2006-04-27T18:40:00.000+03:00

Sorry for the late posting of my Easter experiences... I forgot to actually press publish so it´s been sitting in my draft box for the past fortnight!

Anyway, news on the computer is positive. Well, the hard drives fucked but I expected that, but I´m getting it fixed so cross those digits I should be up and running again within the month!

Spring has finally (and incredibly suddenly) arrived in Finland. The snow melted within a day and the birds are singing at the tops of their puny little voices. It´s WONDERFUL!!! I am smiling all the time and just waiting for the hay fever season to kick in.

Vappu this weekend. Vappu is May Day in Finland. It´s one of the biggest youth celebrations of the year. People have been warning me and encouraging me. Basically, it involves a great deal of drinking on Vappu eve (and I´ve been told a great deal is like nothing I´ve ever seen before) and then a very hung over picnic on the actual day. So, we´ll see what happens...

I made two new girlfriends. They love me because I don´t like girls. We´re going out on the town soon. Just when I thought I was losing my girly touch... I find it´s back!
One of the girls is a Marnie double. If anyone reading this knows Marnie K from Melbourne then I´ve found her double here in Helsinki. Eerily similar...

That´s all the news from me... well, actually I´m sure there´s more but I´m tired now and I want to go and eat so too bad.

Stay tuned for post Vappu rantings...

Easter in Hel.

2006-04-18T21:33:00.000+03:00

Three days of sun. Two nights of partying... well, the list was going to continue, but then I realised that was about it.

My weekend in Helsinki (when I should´ve been in Berlin).

The weekend started off well because I managed to change my flight to Berlin to July. Then I discovered my pay cheque was substantially bigger than expected. So far so good...
N and I headed off to the Rose Garden to check out Alex from Chicks on Speed after a few hours of mingling and warming up at Erottaja (where everybody knows your name... or at least think they do). The music was good, the DJ was luminescent and the Jalo shots were cheap. But there was no Alex from Chicks on Speed! But it was a very cool night anyway so we weren´t too disappointed.

Then on Friday night the gorgeous K hosted a party. It began as a very refined event:
Kir Royale on arrival, cool jazz in the back ground, finger food and interesting conversation.
It ended up with us cycling to Erottaja (yes, again!) with three shots of... um... something... under our belts. We managed to steal a blow up doll from the roof of someone´s car and I also got stuck in a shopping trolley on the way. Oh to be young and foolish!

On Saturday I took it pretty easy. N was exhausted from his yoga course so we had a light meal of pizza (which was so oily we basically drank it) and stayed in to paint Easter eggs.

I originally wanted to have a BBQ on Seuarasaari on Sunday, but everyone was either hungover, or out of town... and most people were both. So I sat on my balcony in the sun and read the afternoon away. Then I painted more eggs.

On Monday, I danced in the living room to the live set of Cut Copy from the Sydney BDO which was broadcast on Triple J. With the sun streaming in the window and the beer cooling in the fridge I could almost imagine I was back in Australia. "sigh"

So, Berlin I have to wait to taste the pleasures you will offer me... But Helsinki, you´ve done me proud!

Berlin ... Helsinki ... and all that space inbetween

2006-04-12T20:05:00.001+03:00

Well, Fuck it.

The chances of me actually managing to get to Tallin (in Estonia) to make my flight to Berlin (in Germany) are getting slimmer by the hour.
Ice. Ice ice ice ice ice.
There are usually 7 or 8 different boats you can take to Tallin from Helsinki, but at the moment because of the ice (ice in April! What the!) there are only 3. And they are all fully booked.
Fully booked on Friday, fully booked on Thursday night and not to mention fully booked on the way back too.

Needless to say I am really pissed off and kicking myself that I didn´t book earlier. BUT who´d have thought there would still be too much ice in April???? I mean, the birds are singing! The sun stayed out ALL DAY today! It hasn´t snowed for two whole days! IT`S FINALLY FUCKING SPRING AND THERE`S STILL TOO MUCH ICE!!!

Ok... relax, breathe. I can take this in my stride.
So, I can´t go to Berlin for the weekend.
That´s fine.
Helsinki is a wonderful place. I will have a holiday here... there are loads of things to do.

(insert thinking music)

Right. Now I know why the suicide rate is highest in spring. Going to kill myself by overindulging on licorice.

House cooling?

2006-04-09T09:06:00.000+03:00

I´ll have to begin this post by thanking Nik for making me feel guilty enough to actually attend this party in the first place, while he went off to Turku for the weekend... I owe you one, mate.

I was nervous about this party in the first place because the invitation included bringing a friend "because if you don´t the party will be very small". Hmm, how small? Like, just me and you kind of small? Oh crap.
This was the house warming of a girl I met randomly and felt obliged to invite to my housewarming. At my housewarming I discovered that she was basically socially inept, had no sense of humour and could not hold a conversation that wasn´t based around her life.
So, filled with trepidation I made my way to her apartment.

There were two other people there when I arrived and I was overjoyed. I sat on a chair and eagerly waited an opportunity to join in their virtually whispered conversation. And waited and waited and waited. Finally after 20 minutes of trying to look interested while admiring a one room flat, I decided to jump in without an invitation.
"So, you´re both nurses?" Oh, my wit! They nodded. Silence. Bugger.
"Are you originally from Helsinki?" I ask the obviously Finnish woman, hoping that (like everyone else that lives in Helsinki) she wasn´t.
"Yes." Silence. Bugger. They are now looking at me. I smile. They smile. Still no-one says anything.
"And where are you from?" I ask the obviously African man.
"Nigeria". Silence.
At this point I was considering getting totally blind drunk so at least I could enjoy a conversation with myself, but thankfully we managed to start a conversation about travelling. He had been to Iceland in January and was very well informed about the statistics of Iceland.
"The population is 300,000 and the 300,000th baby was born in 2004."
Silence from me as I consider this.
"So, you´re saying that out of a population of 300,000 people, no-one has been born for 2 years????"
He is totally emphatic about this. I am disbelieving... and for good reason. Here is some information about Iceland that I would assume is a little more accurate.
And whatsmore... did you know that in Iceland they have a "Dirty Weekend" every year? All the girls go out and have sex everywhere! It´s an official event!
After hearing this I had to ask who his source was.
"An Icelandic mother... so she should know."
Of course. Mother´s know everything.
Here is what I found out about Iceland´s "Dirty Weekend".

We finally sat down to dinner, but not after a digital slide show of the hostess´recent trip to Australia with full commentry.
"And that´s my Dad... and that´s our friend Shazza... and that´s a tree... and that´s a rock"
Dinner was nice and more importantly while we shovelled food into our faces no-one was able to talk. I tried to figure out how long after dinner I needed to sit there before it was deemed polite to leave.

Conversation soon began again. This time he was informing us all on his eating habits.
"I hate to wait for food to be prepared. If I´m hungry, I´ll eat anything, I don´t care. Just give me a bag of chips and ketchup."
I suggested he move to Sweden to take advantage of their dog food tube style packaging for easier eating.

I decided soon after dessert and two glasses of fairly appalling white wine, that I was all conversationed out and made my move to leave.

I caught the bus to Oulunkyla station, to discover it stops .5 of a kilometre away from the station and had to walk through a slushy park at 11pm.
However, I got home without any problem and sent a grateful text message to Nik.
She´s invited me over to make jaffles next... Let the good times roll!

Options, Choices, Procrastinating...

2006-04-08T13:43:00.000+03:00

Okay... so I may have inadvertently suggested that lots of terrible things have happened to me recently, but this is not true. I just feel like my life is on hold until I find out about this university course and whether or not my contract is going to be extended for another six months. And I guess there´s a couple of other parts of my life that are a bit tentative at the moment too.
Nothing´s wrong though.

The problem is that there are too many choices.
Sometimes I wish it was just about finding a husband, settling down and having babies because the amount of things that I can do is mind boggling! I have no attachments, no reason to go or stay anywhere, no career to pursue, no family that needs me, no money... that is about the extent of my restrictions, money. And I manage to get around that!

So, my first problem is that the world is my oyster. I can do whatever I want in it. I am still young enough to have the option to study almost anything I choose, to travel anywhere I can afford and to work crappy mindless jobs and still pretend it´s romantic!

This leads to my second problem: I have no ambition anymore.
I used to want to be a musician. That was it. That was all I ever thought about, all I ever considered. I was going to be a famous singer. Then I realised I didn´t want to be a famous singer. I still adore music and want to perform as much as I can, but fame and fortune is not for me!
But this was my dream and now... well, I just can´t decide what I want to do.

I love working with children so I could study early childhood education. I am fascinated with psychology so I could study that. But then on the otherhand, I love painting, literature, cooking...
I´d love to start my own business. I´d love to write a book.

But what should I do?????

And THEN... I love to travel and I don´t want to stop. I want to see all the countries in my dreams and dance and drink wine and meet people and play music with people...

Too many choices... and the clock keeps ticking... and I´m still sitting here wondering what the hell to do.

Grumpy

2006-04-07T20:53:00.000+03:00

I have recently been told by close friends that I am ditzy (not the first time incidently) and that I complain too much.

I can´t help but think that I am totally misunderstood by most people. No-one seems to get my tongue in cheek sense of humour about... well, basically everything. People always think I complain, but there is actually very little in my life I´m unhappy with. I guess maybe it´s sounds like I´m whinging to the untrained ear, but Jesus! If you take everything I take seriously, you´ll end up with the total wrong idea of me! I´m Australian for God´s sake! This is what we do... we take the piss. We whinge, we bitch, we moan... but we don´t mean it! Life is good... so we need to pretend it´s not! If I like you and trust you, I will tease you. That is just how I am.

And the ditzy thing... well... this has got me down. Especially because other people have mentioned it before. I am aware that I am not very intellectual or particularly smart, but to think that people think I´m ditzy... it just makes me want to dye my hair black and start writing Gothic poetry. I would like to imagine I can hold a fairly intelligent conversation about a variety of things and although I wear high heels in the snow at times, it´s always for an appropriate occasion!

Maybe I am not good at self representation. Maybe I should take myself and others more seriously. Maybe I shouldn´t be so excitable or enthusiastic about things... but the sad thing is... until really recently I wasn´t doubting myself. I was really happy with myself. Now, I am grumpy... with myself and everyone.

Not to mention the rest of my life which is totally up in the air until July... and then it will still hover a foot above ground probably forever.

No wonder I´m so fucking insecure at the moment... I have absolutely nothing to feel secure about!

Anyway... finished whinging now. And this time I was being serious.

April in Finland

2006-04-05T17:27:00.000+03:00

I woke this morning and saw sunlight streaming through my blinds. Excited by the prospect of Spring finally arriving, I jumped out of bed, hoisted up the blind and found it was only the street lamp illuminated against the overcast sky.
Go back to bed and will the sun to shine when I open my eyes again.
When I look out the window I am devastated to find it´s now snowing.

This is Spring in this country.
No wonder no-one writes songs about it. It´s so fucking depressing.

I´m trying to keep positive. Yesterday one of the kids at work found a blade of grass and it was so exciting we all stood around it and stared for about 20 minutes. Even when it rains now I get a little flicker of hope in my heart. Because rain is not snow. Rain melts snow. When snow is melted it´s Spring.

No-one seems to remember a Winter this long, except for those who remember it snowing in June. I don´t want to talk to anyone anymore!

I must admit, I´m finding it hard to imagine feeling warmth on my skin anymore... it just sems like a long forgotten dream.

Diva Night

2006-04-05T17:07:00.000+03:00

5pm.
Just arrived back from Stockholm. Lying on my bed eating lollies and reliving the concert while listening to the cd.

5.30pm
Realising I should probably start to get ready I head for the shower where I buff, shave, pluck, wash and all those other girly things.

6.30pm
Try on chosen outfit. Realise I have no stockings. Curse a lot. Attempt to fix torn fishnets. Fail. Curse more. Rummage through cupboard and find very old pair entangled with other very old underwear. Make mental note to throw them all out.

6.35pm
Discover outfit makes me look a pregnant hippo. Throw it on the floor and have a mini tantrum.
Pull all clothes out of wardrobe in attempt to find new outfit. Find summery style dress.
Look outside at the snow. Put on summery dress.

6.55pm
Suddenly realise I should be at the train station. Blow dry hair. Decide the Swedish hairdresser should be tarred and feathered. Throw on jewellery and somehow manage to apply too much make up while looking for high heels.

7.05pm
Walking to the station in red open toed stiletto high heels. Finding this very difficult. Freezing in inappropriate coat that matched my dress but not the weather. Trying not to feel like an escaped circus sideshow freak. Failing.

7.15pm
On the crowded surburan train. Discover ladder in my stocking. Curse.

7.30pm
Buy new stockings at S-Market. Get lots of strange looks.

7.45pm
Meet K and Z at Torni for pre-dinner cocktails. Coo over choices of outfits. Change in to new unladdered stockings in the toilets.

7.55pm
Discover there is not time for pre-dinner cocktail. Wish I´d brought a hip flask.

8.05pm
Arrive at Casaro. Intimate Mediteranean style restaurant. Greeted by the male owner who checks us all out very obviously. F is already there. She is not wearing high heels. Feel somewhat jealous of her ease in walking. A and H arrive. Everyone looks gorgeous and compliments fly. Order tapas, meze and two bottles of wine.

8.15pm
Have already finished a glass of wine and wondering when we are ordering more.
Introductions and small talk.
Food arrives.

8.30pm
White wine is finished and talk is becoming much more candid. Order more wine

9.00pm
Food arrives. I eat chicken risotto which is delicious. Too busy taking photos and drinking wine to eat though and realise I am only a quarter of the way through when everyone else is finished.

9.45pm
Food leaves. Dessert is ordered. Wine is still flowing. I am drunk.

10.00pm
Talk and laughter is loud now and wine is finished. Argument begins about next destination. I worry about trying to walk in heels again.

10.30pm
Outside. Argument continues about next destination. Is settled by my diplomacy. We continue.

11.00pm
We walk past Vanha, the club we wanted to go to, and discover women in ball gowns and men in tuxedos standing outside. Decide we aren´t quite that dressed up and find cheap club with no door charge.

11.30pm
Drinking cider and dancing to Madonna.

12.00am
Still drinking cider and dancing with some guy.
K and A leave.

12.10am
F leaves.

12.30am
Music is crap. Z, H and I decide to leave.
Walking is much easier drunk.
Decide to head to Erottaja to meet Z´s husband and brother. H decides to go home.

Rest of the night...

6.00pm
Find myself on my way home in the middle of a blizzard, still in dress and shoes. Trying not to whimper as the snow covers me.

7.00pm
At home in jeans, eating pasta. Feeling good.

Stockholm Knife

2006-04-03T14:34:00.000+03:00

Last week I went to Stockholm with my friend Nik to see a somewhat obscure band called The Knife. We thought we´d make a bit of a trip out of it so we left on Wednesday and caught the overnight ferry. After my recent Tallin ferry experience, I decided I wasn´t going to leave the cabin at all, except of course to visit duty free!
Of course, after a bottle of wine I was ready to go dancing so we braved the crowds of suit wearing men and stiletto wearing women and headed for the disco. It didn´t take us long to realise that the disco had been overtaken by Scandanavian Hunks who were literally (and I´m sure being quite well paid for it) taking their clothes off. We beat a hasty retreat and ended up listening to a wonderful singer/songwriter from Sweden. She looked like Alanis Morrisette and sounded like a cross between Sheryl Crow and Janis Joplin. So naturally we requested Alanis, Janis and Sheryl and she did them justice. We listened to her just long enough to get drunk (we also happened to be the end of her set) and set off to do some dancing.
After throwing our selves around the floor for about 20 minutes (or and hour or two... who really knows), we headed back to our cabin to let the comforting sounds of breaking ice lull us to sleep.
In Stockholm we stayed in a hostel that was a converted boat (by the end of this trip I had my sea legs!). It was very cool and very red! The view from our cabin window was of ice, a church and someones frozen left over picnic. Interesting.
We wandered around Old Town, marvelling at the beautiful architecture and taking advantage of the sun which reared it´s longed for head. Then, on a quest to find fish net stockings and a cheap haircut, we found ourselves in bar lined back streets jumping sludge and trying to make sense of menus... well, I was. Nik was a little more prepared with two years of Swedish language classes under his belt.
We were successful in all ventures... although the haircut was a little scary as there was no common language available and all the hairdresser managed to say to me in English was "Your streaks... not fine". I responded with all I could say in Swedish, a very sarcastic "tack". Although, truth be told it´s very difficult to make one syllable sarcastic, but I think I made my point.

For some reason I had a craving for rare steak (and no I am not carrying the devil´s spawn) and we managed to find a very Melbourne style pub near the trendy section of the town.
Full of beer and beef we headed back to the hostel to prepare for the concert.

The concert was at this funky ballroom style venue and by the time we got there it was packed. There was no support band, just a DJ, so we pushed our way to the front and patiently waited. I somehow got into an argument with some Swedish girls (no idea how!) so I recieved dirty looks until the band started. This band is notorious for their somewhat anti social behaviour and as the time ticked by, we were beginning to worry that they were not going to appear. But then all of a sudden there were on stage... well, if a ten minute instrumental intro can be described as sudden. Decked out in monkey masks and hands, they kicked off with a song from their latest album. The visuals were awesome but due to my height issues, I couldn´t really see much so I escaped to the back where I could dance properly. Weird thing about Swedes... they don´t dance. I stood at the back over looking heads of totally unmoving people. After a moment of self conciousness my favourite song came on and I couldn´t stop dancing. Nik managed to locate me in the crowd and we danced ourselves silly for the next 40 minutes. And then the concert ended.
WTF!!!!! That´s what I thought as I stood in shock for another 20 minutes. We came to another country to see this band and they played for 50 minutes. I was appalled. And it was so good while they lasted.
So, somewhat devastated and frustrated, we trudged back to the hostel ... stopping briefly to take photographs of me in a life boat suspended over the ice. This was very difficult to get in and out of in a dress, fishnets and sneakers... but I did it and I didn´t break anything.

The rest of the trip involved a lot of eating at tapas bars, looking for cd stores that didn´t exist and drinking wine. We found the local sleazy latin nightclub and attempted our few salsa moves rather badly, but realised that we were not alone in our awkwardness so left feeling redeemed.

On the last day we chilled out, had a brunch while listening to a live jazz band and then realised our flight left in one hour and we were at least 30 minutes from the airport... and we´d lost our metro tickets. We hightailed it to the city, caught the airport express just in time and managed to check in with seconds left.
Back in Finland, we were greeted with sleet and the realisation that the sun had stayed behind in Sweden.

Stockholm is an interesting city and has great food, venues, cafes and live music... but I´ve got to say, Helsinki dance much better.

Stay tuned for Diva night post mortem...

Whinging...

2006-03-18T13:48:00.000+02:00

Naturally what goes up must come down. The rule of physics that I consistently think I can defy.
Some people get colds, but I get upper respitory viral infections that I can't even take drugs for! You'd think I would get more sympathy for this from my friends, but no.
I am a pathetic sick person. I hate to be sick and I get frustrated "resting". I have had a couple of very good nurses looking after me and today I am feeling a lot better. But I'm not quite well enough to go out dancing yet so I've had to think of "restive" activities. It's really hard! I'm sick of watching movies and tv and even though I'm not on medication, I'm trying not to drink that much. Only the medicinal whiskey I thought was essential.
Last night I found myself playing charades and creating exquisite corpes. Although this sounds very restful, my charades partner was so hilarious in his acting skills that I nearly died laughing. However, it is nice to know I can have an entertaining evening with no money and very little alcohol.

I'm pretty uninspired to blog right now. Everything is lovely and happy and all that shit... except my best friend is leaving the country (again!) and although she's giving me lots of her stuff I am sad... very sad that she's leaving. I know we'll remain close and I know she will be happier as soon as she bids farewell to this land of ice, fir trees and fucked up men, but I'll still miss her lots.

My computer is still broken and due to all my jet setting and wild party lifestyle, I can't afford to fix it yet. If you're reading this and have a couple of hundred euros you were unsure of what to do with... I can send you my account number!!

Anyway, must go and recline on the couch some more.
Love to you all!
xxx

Living the life like I´m supposed to.

2006-03-11T17:42:00.000+02:00

You know those times where life just feels right? Well, I´m having one. It´s not one thing in particular... but everything seems to be coming together right now.

I was walking on the sea today in the sun with a lovely friend, humming "My Girl", tummy full of tasty food, talking about countries I´ve been to and would love to see and for a minute I felt like I was going to burst. These are the moments when life feels just like it should. It´s like you can see the energy buzzing around in the air and you just want to throw yourself on the ground and sink into the earth.

I have these moments sometimes. I´m not necessarily doing anything special or amazing... usually it´s when I´m doing something spectacularly ordinary like drinking coffee in Lygon street before work and watching people dodge the rain. Or walking through Shinjuku at dusk trying to dodge the bustle while gazing at the neon lights above me. Or walking around the yard at work with one of the students talking about dragons and how to make the perfect snowball.

This is exactly where I want to be. This is exactly how I want to be. It´ll fuck up again soon, but for now... I´m happy. Totally happy.

Life rushing by...

2006-03-08T16:32:00.000+02:00

I am way too busy at the moment. Something has to give... perhaps I should stop sleeping?
Last weekend I only got 8 hours anyway so it wouldn´t be too hard to give up!
It all started Wednesday two weeks ago...

We began rehearsals (and costume tryouts) for our up coming gig at Tiki Forever night. K and I spent hours over the last couple of weeks transcribing tight three part harmonies and sqeezing into tight 50s style dresses for a Tiki extravaganza!
So alot of my spare time was filled with learning words and harmonies and practicing hairstyles.
I also had to fit in time to have drinks with various friends, study Finnish (rather unproductively), go out on unsuccessful dates and go to gym class.
By the time the weekend of Tiki night came around I was exhausted... and then I had to go to Tallin!
my housemate and I caught the boat (ferry?) straight after work and I´ve got to say... it was an interesting experience.
Imagine the sleaziest, most juvenile night club you´ve been to, times it by 12, add duty free alcohol and no way to get off and you´re pretty close to describing Romantika!
It was fun hanging out and dancing with H... but next time I think I´d prefer to do it somewhere without having to cross a body of water first.
A few of H´s friends made the most of it and hooked up with young Finnish lads, only to stay in their cabins the entire next day and missing Estonia entirely. To be honest they didn´t miss much and when one of them burst into our cabin at 2pm as we were trying to catch up on sleep, somewhere under the rage of interrupted sleep was something like envy at her freshness!
I dragged H around Tallin in search for gym pants that weren´t going to require a second mortgage but my mission was unsuccessful and I was forced to spend my kroons on duty free alcohol and lipstick from the gift shop.

We arrived back to Helsinki somewhat worse for wear at 4.45pm, giving me exactly 15 minutes to get home, eat dinner, have a shower, get my stuff together for the gig and get back to town. Of course it took an hour and a half and most things had to be omitted.
I arrived at the soundcheck late and was greeted cooly. However, after a good run quick rehearsal and peace offering of a sandwich all was forgiven and I was allowed to borrow K´s costume to wear.
The gig was great. We had a little problem at the beginning... well, a little diabolical problem... but the show went on and we swung our arses off! And we looked goddamn cute while we did so!
Our program featured classics such as Rum and Coca Cola, Lollipop, Manana and some lovely French songs that I still can´t remember the names of. I will post photos as soon as I can manage to download them... stay tuned.
High on the sweet smell of a successful gig and three glasses of French cider, I went for a quick drink at a quiet bar... turned out to be a rather long quick drink, but by that stage I was considering abandoning the idea of sleep anyway.
The rest of that night and the following day will have to be told another day... I´ll just say a nice time was had by all involved.

With the hope of a quiet week, I relaxed on Monday instead of cleaning my room and various other important things like buying food and attending Finnish class. Unfortunately, last night I had to go out again to see The Darkness in concert. Thanks to A for giving me a ticket in return for dinner!
It was lots of fun, but I was so exhausted I only managed to head bang and shake my booty to the songs I knew.
The rest of my week is looking busy but lovely.
Question for the week:
How long is it possible to survive on only 5 hours sleep a night and when will sleep deprivation kick in?

Monday Morning...

2006-02-28T22:07:00.000+02:00

The train sings as we gain momentum. A low chant like drone that dissipates as we speed toward Kirkkonummi.
So far the day wasn't showing much potential. Late trains, forgotten keys, death metal listening commuters... I briefly contemplate buying a ticket.

It's colder than I expected today. By the time I got to the station (for the second time) my damp hair was frozen solid in the -10 degrees celcius air.
Snowflakes were falling like tiny shards of broken mirror, sparkling in the air. I catch them and upon investigation discover their miniature perfection and I'm amazed by the futile beauty of nature.

As the train slides along the icy track, sparks from the electric cable above illuminate the dark morning. I savour my Sunday memories, hoping to prolong the weekend a little longer.

I close my eyes and I'm back skating on the frozen sea. The sun so warm I've discarded my coat and I'm squinting my eyes in the bright light. The soft white snow covering the bay like a table cloth, seemingly endless. It
s difficult to imagine the cool blue salty waves of summer.
Then I'm sitting outside that little cafe near the frozen beach. Huddled around an open fire, cup of tea warming my hands and the sun setting slowly behind me, creating a soft spotlight on my friends. They speak only in Finnish, leaving me to drift in and out of comprehension lazily. We consider the idea of toasting makkara, but instead we decide on korvapuusti instead. The cinnamon and cardammon infusing on my palate with the hint of fennel in my tea. I smile indulgently as I imagine licking sugary almond flakes from my fingers.

When I open my eyes we're past Espoo, almost there. The blue light of this winter's morning is cold and uninviting so I wrap myself up and pull my hat down as far as I can. I step off the train into the cold and another day has begun in Finland. And I'm happy.

Life´s little setbacks

2006-02-21T22:00:00.000+02:00

In Australia you just fill in some forms and get them in on time to go to Uni. Sure, you´re high school marks are taken into account, but you generally only apply for courses you know you´ll get into.
But not here in Suomi.
No no no.
I had a vague idea when I applied for the psych course that I would have to do some kind of exam. BUT I didn´t realise that I had to read two books that cost a shit load of money and are unavailable at any library within a 100 km radius. And what´s more, there is only a maximum of two new international students accepted in any case. I don´t like those odds...
So I emailed a friend who pointed out that I´m not entirely sure I want to study anyway and so I should probably quit while I´m ahead (paraphrasing somewhat ... he never mentioned anything about me being ahead!)

On a more positive note, after my recent trip to Motivus Gym and my recent kindy gym classes (choreographed by yours truly), I´m considering a career as an aerobics instructor. I´ve always looked great in electric blue lycra and headbands...

The party post mortem

2006-02-19T19:21:00.000+02:00

I had a housewarming party on the weekend. It´s always interesting introducing new friends and seeing how they react to one another. Sometimes very well, sometimes very badly. There were no fist fights at my party, but by the end of the night I had seen a new side to a couple of friends.
Of course, as soon as you involve alcohol, any seemingly innocent situation can become confusing and it´s always difficult to pick up on the messages people are sending (or not) when your vision is blurred.
Not that any of this happened to me! Oh no, I was a mere bystander. That´s my story anyway, and I take no reponsibility for anything.
According to one friend: I am like a vortex that sucks people in and spits them back out, somewhat confused, in a strange place with no recollection of how they got there. Well, he made it sound a little more complimentary than that, but that´s the general gist of it.
I was really unaware of my super powers. Maybe I can bottle them and sell them on EBAY?
But, it all seems to have sorted itself out and I still have friends... although apparently I should avoid dancing with them in future.

Did I mention I was going to Berlin?????

Taking the good with the bad...

2006-02-17T17:54:00.000+02:00

So my computer is fucked, I have no back up files and no other way to play my music. BUT, despite that I´m still feeling pretty good. Computers are essentially just money and I refuse to stress about money. So no tears, no sleepless nights and no excessive consumption of alcohol... well, maybe the excessive consumption of alcohol, but not in relation to the computer.
I have a team of helpers coming to attempt to retrieve all they can tomorrow and then, well, we´ll see what happens.

Good news...

I´m going to Stockholm to see The Knife at the end of March. This is great for two reasons ... I get to go to Stockholm and I get to see a great band.

Having a housewarming party tomorrow. I`m quite surprised that it will be almost a whole different set of friends from the previous one. Not that I have lost and gained friends so quickly, but I happened to pick a weekend when almost EVERYONE was busy. But at least I don`t have to cook so much!

I am starting to go to the gym next week so I can be all toned and gorgeous for our trip to Berlin... in particular our visit to the tropical island in a shed. Must buy new bikini...

So all in all, I`m still optimistic and feeling good.

The world is ending...

2006-02-15T23:28:00.000+02:00

At least that's how I feel right about now. My computer refuses to do it's little dance and turn itself on. I have tried turning it off and letting it sleep, after all winter does make you tired. But still nothing! I appreciate all suggestions and will accept any help. This is a general SOS to all of you computer freaks out there!
Save My Mac!

2006-02-12T16:25:00.000+02:00

It took me two hours of waiting outside various co-ordinators doors numbing my mind with pulp fiction, but I did it. I applied for Uni again. Of course I still have to do an entrance exam and actually decide if I want to become a poor student again ... but at least I took the first step. So far I'm doing pretty well on my New Year's Resolutions...

Life's good at the moment. Not just for me, but it seems almost everyone I know is on the up (even if they feel like they're not). I'm so happy to be surrounded by awesome, supportive friends who don't diss me too much about my annoying regression to early 90s slang, dude. I have my internet back and although my computer and my phone keep having little seizures and dying on me, I'm still connected to the rest of the world ... however sporadically.

So, here's the latest:

I applied to study social psychology at Helsinki University ... now just need to do exam and convince them that I am actually the same person as written on my degree (it still has my old surname and of course I don't have any documentation stating that I've changed it ... maybe i can just refer them to an old website with my photo???)

I have moved (yet again) in with my lovely workmate H, who has a lovely big apartment with a WONDERFUL kitchen that I can't leave alone. I will probably gain 10 kilos in the next month just because I can't stop cooking!

Travelling Diva has returned from her travels and we are getting to know each other in real life (opposed from cyber life) and have discovered that we still love each other. She even let me cut her hair after drinking 1/2 bottle of wine!

I am still going to Finnish lessons and I am recognizing new words every day.

I feel inspired and loved and keep having moments of bliss that are totally unchemically influenced!

And I'm going to Berlin for Easter! I'm sooooo excited...

I've been talking and thinking a lot about relationships lately. A good friend who has been very unlucky in love has recently begun a new relationship that has the potential to be "IT". When I first heard the news I felt really odd. Kind of envious, kind of disappointed, but also elated for her. I was envious because she is so happy and can plan her life with someone. I still want this feeling and I miss saying "our tomatoes", not enough to accept any proposals though.
I felt disappointed because I was inspired by her strong independent singleness. She was supposed to be my partner in crime, but now she's going to be all in love. I know she won't dump me, but I still feel a little left out.
But I mainly felt happy because she was happy and I can see them happy together. And also because my first thought wasn't "I want a boyfriend" but "I'm still happy being on my own". I love being single. I know this sounds like a big feminist trip, but I'm not trying to convince myself. I can't imagine being in a relationship and feeling as happy and free as I do now.
I'm so glad that lots of my friends are in happy relationships and I wish them the best of luck, but I also hope that my friends who aren't will realise that it's not essential and you can feel like a full person without a partner.

I like the fact that here in Finland Valentine's Day is actually called Ystävänpäivä ... which translates as Friend's Day. A sentiment I much prefer at the moment.

Back on line

2006-02-11T11:35:00.000+02:00

Wow. Two weeks off line and I now I feel like I've been reborn. How did I survive without the internet previously???
It was a hard couple of weeks: no blogging, no emailing, no checking the public transport routes or the weather... led to a couple of unfortunate occasions when I found myself waiting for hours at a bus stop in not nearly enough clothes!
But now I'm back. I would like to thank my saviour, Nik. You are owed way more than that lasagne (although it was pretty good lasagne if I do say so myself).
Of course now I have about a billion emails to read and reply to (yeah, I wish) so I won't write much today.
Although I'll just add that despite coughing up my lungs every other minute and my brain having turned to snotty mush, I am VERY happy at the moment. Life is good. Ro's back, my friends are healthy (except for poor Ben after his nasty bicycle fall), and it's only -5 degrees today.
Hope you are all happy wherever you may be!
More posts to come...

What's been happening in my ever exciting life...

2006-01-27T18:13:00.000+02:00

For those who actually reads this as a means of keeping in touch with me (which, incidentally, is its purpose), I have had quite a busy week.

On Saturday night I braved the arctic weather (-22) to go into town and see my friend's band The Cut. They play a great mix of 80's pop covers (i.e. The Cure, Depeche Mode, U2) and such influenced originals. Ali is an awesome front man who has a wonderful voice reminiscent of Robert Smith and really plays to the crowd. Although I had to get the dancing started, someone always has to be the first ... the floor was soon full of moving bodies. I was a bit concerned at one point when a girl dancing next to me seemed to have misplaced her pole and looked like she was about to start using my leg instead. Thankfully she discovered a mirror and was occupied with her own reflection for the rest of the evening!

On Sunday I was still recovering from the few too many glasses of cheap red wine so I had a quiet night with a gorgeous Russian lass who helped touch up my roots and massaged my head. I had to drink some more wine though ... hair of the dog, it's a proven cure!

On Monday I had a Finnish lesson for 2 and 1/2 hours, so by the time I finished that I could barely see straight!

On Tuesday I went to a concert with my friend T in Malmi (nearish my new house). A very famous old Finnish jazz saxophonist was playing (and no, I can't remember his name) with a bass player and my favourite drummer, Olavi. They played free jazz, kind of 70s Dave Holland style (or so I was told by my well researched friend) and it was great. I'm always so inspired after I hear live music and I wanted to go straight home and write music ... but I went to the pub instead to see my friend Anne before she left for London. Had very interesting conversations about snowboarding, Finland and getting closure. I got myself involved in an arctic vacation plan somehow too! Involving snowboarding, night trains and snow camping ... I'm not sure about this...

On Wednesday I had a frantic call from Travelling Diva in need of some paper work so I proceeded to tear the house apart looking for it to no avail. Then, having put it off for two days, had to do my Finnish homework on the bus on the way to class! I felt like I was in high school again! After class I met up with Katariina for tapas and sangria (yes, I know ... drinking again!) at Tapasta. Not great I must say. The company was wonderful, but the food and sangria was very very average. However, I guess being in the midst of a dozen models will jack up the price! Katariina and I planned our forthcoming Doo Wop gig ... more details later.

On Thursday it was Australia Day so I HAD to go the Aussie bar for a beer and a snag. Then K and I had to return all the dishes and furniture she'd borrowed while Travelling Diva was travelling. So don't worry love, it's all home again!

Tonight I have to begin packing up this little place or at least my portion of this little place so I can move all my shit to my new house and prepare this little place for Travelling Diva's return on Monday... But I'd really like a cider right now!

This one's for you ... (you know who you are!)

2006-01-25T23:35:00.000+02:00

Photo taken by Kati ... I guess this must have been on Christmas Eve. Amazing what a bit of mood lighting can do!

Baby, it's REALLY cold outside

2006-01-20T22:27:00.000+02:00

Just thought I should mention:

It so fucking cold I feel... well, actually I can't really feel much.
It is currently -16 degrees Celcius outside which is 4 degrees warmer than it was at 6am this morning when I was waiting for my train.

Some things I am experiencing for the first time:

frozen nose hairs - it feels very very weird
skin so dry it is threatening to drop off in chunks
the urge to swear loudly every few seconds ... not sure if I'm doing this to reassure myself I'm alive or if it's just instinctual
feeling like my face is being whipped as an Arctic wind lowers the temperature even further
laughing with pure joy when I finally get warm. Nothing beats THAT feeling.

Soap box warning...

2006-01-20T21:30:00.000+02:00

Blogs. Six months ago I'd never heard of this writing genre (if I can be so bold as to call it that) but since I discovered the joys of publishing my unedited thoughts on the internet I haven't looked back.

I was originally inspired by my good friend Travelling Diva's blog as an easy way to keep in touch with friends and family instead of sending arduous group emails. However, I soon discovered that very few of my family and friends actually read it, so it has developed into more on an online journal ... this may also be because my life really isn't THAT interesting so unless I post once a month I have to talk some shit just to fill up space!

Once I got the Blog bug, I began to follow links to various other people's blogs and became quite addicted to three:
this one
this one and
this one.
I loved to read these anonymous blogs and imagine who these people were and what they did. I would wait impatiently for their latest posts and hang on their every word. It was like vouyeurism without the vouyering. And the best part about it was that I had no idea if it was real or not and I didn't care. It was just entertaining.
But now, these three bloggers have "come out" and revealed their true identities with photos to boot. And I'm disappointed.

I'm disappointed I always prefer the book over the movie. I have an imagination and I like to use it. I had very strong images of these women and to be brutually (and unfairly) honest ... they are just not as goodlooking as I imagined.
But it's not just that. Now these writers are people. They have faces and they have real lives. The mystery is gone and so has the attraction.

It's a shame that people don't appreciate the beauty of anonymity anymore. Who wants fame when you can have interest instead?

2006-01-19T18:45:00.000+02:00

This week I have done three very important things and I am very proud of myself.
1. I went to my first Finnish class.
2. I found a psychology course in English.
3. I found somewhere to live.

Yay for me!

Now I just have to start studying Finnish very hard because I am a lot behind (the class is a continuation from last year), apply for the psychology course and move. Easy peasy ... just have to do it all in the next fornight!

In other news...
It's fucking freezing. I am wearing a fur coat and gloves and fur lined boots. Animal activists out there can get stuffed because they are all second hand and until you have to stand outside for 20 minutes in -20, you can't appreciate the beauty and warmth of fur.
My face feels like it's been whipped. My lips are chapped, my skin is so dry it stings and my feet are constantly cold. If anyone dares tell me the weather in Australia I'm likely to hunt them down and skin them alive.

But hey! Whatever doesn't kill me...

The Finnish class is great. I really enjoyed it, even though I barely said a word and I was so embarrased to speak I was bright red throughout the whole thing. I was surprised that I understood almost all of it ... it's just forming senteces that's a problem. Not to mention sitting next to a young Chilean exchange student who was much more fluent and this was her third language! However, I am determined to learn this Godforsaken language and force my children to learn it too. Instead of passing down some hereditary disease... I'll pass down some obscure northern European language instead!
However I will have a chance to practice a lot with my new housemate. She is one of my collegues at work and she's really lovely. And the apartment is great! It's really big and totally furnished and the kitchen! I'm in heaven!!!!
Although it's a little bit out of the city, it's only 15 minutes by train and for the price I just couldn't say no.
It will be nice to live with someone again too. I must admit I'm looking forward to the company. Let's just hope I don't drive her crazy with my crappy guitar playing and electronic music experiments!!!

So life goes on, takes a turn and comes up smiling.

Productive.

2006-01-16T19:33:00.000+02:00

Today I had a productive day.
End result:
My jacket is limp and my gloves have holes.

Fuck productivity.

Oh, The Places I'll Go...

2006-01-15T22:24:00.000+02:00

The travel bug has begun nibbling at me. I'm reading books about foreign, exotic lands and hearing about Travelling Diva's adventures in Morocco and I'm inspired to go somewhere. Anywhere. Everywhere.

I want to visit Steinbeck country in the US. I want to see those rolling green hills and drink coffee in a little country diner.
I want to drive across the country to Mexico and see Malinche's world. I want to go to Cuba and dance in the streets. Flirt with beautiful people. I want to walk in the Amazon. I want to see the mountains in Peru. I want to visit the pyramids and feel the heat of Egypt. Hear the tradition music of Senegal and Kenya. Lie in the sun, walk in the desert. I want to drive from Stockholm to Copenhagen and swim in the sea. I want to wake up in a little Tuscan village. I want to catch fish on a Greek fishing boat. I want to lie on a Spanish beach. I want to see the rice fields of Vietnam. I want to drink Guiness in a tiny Irish town. I want to sweat in the heat of a Darwin summer. I want to see the northern lights in Lapland.

I think I should start buying lottery tickets ...
If anyone can recommend a job that will allow me to do all this please feel free!

2006-01-14T18:00:00.000+02:00

I just thought I needed to point this out to those who don't really get it:

I am here when you need me ... but what some of you have missed is, I am STILL here when you don't.

To do or not to do.

2006-01-11T22:55:00.000+02:00

I sometimes wish I had of been born 30 years ago.
I'm 26 (and a half), single, broke, basically un-qualified, lacking in any kind of ambition, not beautiful but not ugly, not fat but not thin, not overly intelligent but not dumb ...
The problem I am faced with is that I have too many choices. Nothing is jumping out at me and saying "Hey, this is what you're supposed to do with your life!" so I have to consider everything.

At times I think, maybe I should find myself a nice man, buy a nice apartment, go back to school and get a nice job and have nice babies. This doesn't sound like a bad idea.
But then, at other times I think, maybe I should just leave with my suitcase and go to NYC. Get a job in a seedy cafe, date inappropriate men, go dancing every night and hang out in jazz clubs until I'm discovered by a Blue Note records manager. This also appeals to me.
Or maybe I could spend 6 months working my ass off and save every cent, then go off on a backpacking trip to all these countries that fascinate me. Start in Africa, then onto Canada, work my way down throught the US, then right through Sth America and finish off in Sth East Asia before heading home to Australia.
Or I could move to London and use all my succesful friends to get me gigs. Base myself there and make weekend trips all over Europe.

I kind of wish I didn't have these choices. In another time I would be married with babies by now. I'd be happy ... I wouldn't realise there were any other options so I wouldn't feel the need to consider them.
But there are ... and I am.

procrastinating

2006-01-08T22:15:00.000+02:00

I really should go to bed ... or vacuum the house ... or do the dishes ... or etc
Instead I am listening to Triple J (great Aussie radio station) and surfing the net.
It's really bizarre listening to breakfast radio at 10pm at night on the other side of the country.
Oh ... they're doing the weather ... Melbourne ... +33.
Fuck.
It's -7 here at the moment.

Maybe I'll just close my eyes and imagine I'm lying in my bed in St Kilda. I'll imagine that in a couple of hours I'll wake up and walk out in to the sunshine. I'll wander down to Carlisle Street, to my favourite cafe and grab a soy flat white to take away. Then go to the beach and sit in the sand and watch all the beautiful trendy people parading around.

Right. Now I'm going to go and drown myself in the bath.
I can almost smell the salt water ...

2006-01-08T14:35:00.000+02:00

Oh yay!
Just went for a walk in the sun! It's amazing how just a little bit of sun totally warms me up ... I mean, to the point that I went out in the cold without a hat or gloves or scarf just because I didn't want to cover up from the sun.
I had my first frozen hair experience ... weird.
Anyway, here are some shots because I can't begin to describe it:

You can find more on my flickr site ... just click the link!

every day's part of a learning curve

2006-01-02T20:56:00.000+02:00

today i learnt:

the name of the singer featured on my favourite zero 7 track "destiny" - sia furler (thank you kati)

i am very grumpy if i don't sleep well

even though i fought with two of my best friends over the weekend they still love me

i can't keep my balance after a pirouette (and i can't spell pirouette ... and to be honest i can't even perform a pirouette!)

2 1/2 minutes of sunlight motivates me more than anything else

nothing will make my bath as white as i'd like it to be

i can't afford to live in an apartment bigger than a shoebox anywhere cool in helsinki (or the rest of the world for that matter)

i don't have the faintest idea of how to use "live" (computer music program for those wondering)

i am really out of practice in regards to anything musical (including karaoke)

going to the doctor's tomorrow for a medical assesment for work ... can't wait to see what i learn there!

my resolutions

2006-01-01T18:18:00.000+02:00

1. start a band

2. pay off my credit cards

3. go to Paris, Barcelona and Stockholm

4. study finnish

5. go back to uni

no worries.

Happy New Year!

2005-12-31T09:58:00.000+02:00

I awoke to a pitter pat on my roof top and realising it was FAR too late for Santa to redeem himself and bring me presents, I knew it was one of two things: either it was so windy that the branches of the closest trees (a good 10 metres away) were hitting the roof OR ... it was raining.
I hurried to the window and threw open the drapes (actually, they were still open after being too pissed last night to be bothered closing them so I just sat up in bed) and lo and behold, my window was covered in droplets of not quite frozen snow ... or in other words, rain.
Now, I can handle the snow and the minus 12 temperates and the lack of sun, but add rain to all this and I'm not happy!
RAIN? This is supposed to be a winter wonderland with soft fluffy flakes of snow or at the very worst hard frozen flakes of snow ... but not rain! I experienced enough rain in Japan ... and Melbourne ... and Perth ... and Portland.
NOT FAIR!!!!

Okay, over it now.

So, I wish you all a happy new year and I hope you find yourselves dry warm and happy as the clock strikes 12.
2006 will be interesting, entertaining and full of surprises.

xxx
nina

Resolutions

2005-12-29T22:07:00.000+02:00

I know it's boring and pointless because I never keep them anyway, but I am going to have 5 resolutions for the coming year.
But I want you to help me think of them.
What do YOU think I should resolve to do next year?
All suggestions will be taken seriously and into consideration and the final list will be posted as soon as I am sober enough to write next year ... please, no-one suggest I stop drinking. Everyone needs a vice!!!

Here comes the sun ... via telephone.

2005-12-29T18:54:00.000+02:00

G rang me from Perth today. I could almost feel the sun shining through the phone ... almost.
I can't remember the last time I saw the sun. I'm sure it wasn't that long ago ... but it's definitely been a couple of weeks.
The snow is nice, but I need my vitamin D!!!!!

I'm in the process of apartment hunting at the moment. Always my favourite activity (note heavy sarcasm).
So far I have seen one apartment and it was nice and I'll take it if the guy calls. At this point in time, my energy levels are so low that give me a big cardboard box and a blanket and I'll be happy!

I met a nice guy who was also looking at the flat. He is a DJ and involved in politics. We talked for the bus ride back the the city and I found myself in fits of giggles more than once. I remember now why I like to travel and spend time on my own. There are so many more cool people in this world that I want to meet.

So thank you, bearded stranger, for making my trip to the outskirts of Helsinki worthwhile ... especially if I don't get the apartment!

Post Christmas post.

2005-12-26T21:22:00.000+02:00

Well, it's snowing and I feel like I'm in some kind of magical world! I'm sure after a week of traipsing through knee deep snow I'll be over it, but for now ... it's a dream come true!

Christmas was good. Pretty much what I expected ... except for the brief trip to hospital (not me, not serious, don't worry Mum), the amount of people who showed up to our little party and the fact that it snowed.
Our party was fun ... a little too much wine was consumed (and I'm still not entirely sure how I managed to do that considering the amount that was actually purchased) and we left it so late to prepare our meal that we forgot to cook half of it. However, it meant heaps of tasty grub the next day ... and we were in a better state of mind to appreciate it then.

Thanks to everyone who sent text messages, emails, cards and presents. I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciated the thought. I apologise to everyone that didn't get my cards and presents in time because I was so disorganised! Keep checking that mailbox though ... they'll be there sometime within the next couple of years!

Now it's time to think about the new year and what I'm going to do with it. First challenge ... find somewhere to live!
I think I'll check out how difficult it is to build and furnish an igloo ...

Christmas. Happy.

2005-12-23T07:51:00.000+02:00

I vow to stop slagging off Christmas and pretending I hate it. Even the prospect of a weekend on my own does not upset me now because I took a minute to think about the enormity of the world and the diversity of it's inhabitants and I realised that I'm just being a pathetic sook.

Yeah, it'd be nice to spend Christmas with my family and friends in Australia, but I have family and friends here to spend at least part of it with. I'm not going to do the whole "be thankful for what we have" sermon, but I am thinking about it.

So, I'd like to suggest to all "orphans" out there, use this Christmas as an opportunity to spend some quality time with yourself. Read whatever you want, eat whatever you want, wear whatever you want, do whatever you want, watch whatever you want and imagine everyone else stuck in an emotionally draining and stressful family dinner that is envying you and your solitude. I guarantee you're the only one that'll feel like they've had a break when you get back to work!

I'm not religious so Christmas has no real meaning for me apart from a chance to relax and hang out with my family and loved ones. But if I can't do that, well then I'm gonna hang out with myself and I'm going to enjoy it!

I honestly wish everyone a wonderful Christmas and I hope at some point you take just a minute to think about life. We're not in it for long and everyday you are given an opportunity to make it better for yourself and those around you.

Hyvää Joulua ja Onnea Uudelle Vuodelle!

all my love
nina

Bah Humbug.

2005-12-20T21:06:00.000+02:00

Is it too late to ignore Christmas and boycott all celebrations?

It seems I have two choices:
a. spend Christmas with best friend (who I have barely seen in the past two weeks due to recent fascination with certain boy) and new boyfriend who are seriously in honeymoon mode.
b. spend Christmas on my own with many books, DVDs, new ice skates and lots of yummy food.

Why is it that at this time of goodwill and love, option b is looking the most attractive? Is it really too late to sell a kidney and get a flight to Cuba?

I did try to find out if there was some kind of volunteering I could do over the weekend, but my lack of language skills (and to be perfectly honest, lack of real effort) proved fruitless.

I'm quite happy to have Christmas on my own. I can play my cheesy carols and drink all the wine and go ice skating on the partially frozen river! For those reading this and taking this seriously ... please stop. Taking it seriously I mean.

If anyone has any useful suggestions on how I can spend my Christmas weekend, I'd love to hear them.

On a more positive note, I wish you all a wonderful Christmas. I will be enjoying myself wherever and whoever I end up with and I expect you all to be doing the same.

I miss you all, especially at the moment and if I do get terribly drunk, expect late night calls from me expressing my undying love.

I love you all! (well, I love most of you ... if I have no idea who you are then I guess I love you in a universal sense ... but maybe not personally. However if you think I should love you personally, please feel free to email and don't forget to include a photo!)

XXX

Friday night.

2005-12-16T20:07:00.000+02:00

Once again I'm sitting at home on a Friday night drinking wine.
It's minus 7 degrees celcius and the thought of leaving my apartment is not particularly enticing.
However, I can stay here, drink wine, read Dostoyevsky, fall asleep at 10pm and be warm ... OR
I could venture into the CITY! (Helsinki city is more like a big country town actually but when in Rome ...)
Whatever I do I really don't think I'm going to be as productive as I'd hoped tonight considering my eyes are already closing.

But what to do?????
Waiting for my phone to ring ... but will only go out if someone suggests something really interesting. Odds of that? Unlikely.

We had the Christmas party at kindy tonight. 26 little kids standing in the snow singing Christmas carols. My clock is ticking so loudly I'm sure every eligible man in a 6 kilometre radius can hear it ... watch them run for the hills!
But seriously, they were so cute. All their little elf hats and red cheeks. *sigh*
Of course, they were all insane little demons today though. The snow, the countdown to Christmas, Friday ... it all contributed to create an afternoon of general mayhem and high pitched squealing. Deep breaths, gritted teeth and promising myself big glasses of wine tonight was what got me through. I've never really appreciated the peacefulness of the weekend before (is that my clock fading away?)

So back to tonight ... maybe I'll have a bath, wash my hair, have another glass of that lovely Spanish wine A brought me and see if I'm still awake in an hour.

A few things about me.

2005-12-11T19:17:00.000+02:00

I am not just here to hang out with while you're waiting for your husband or boyfriend to be available.
My house is not a place to stay when you are drunk and don't want to go home to your wife.

I put alot of time and effort into my friendships and I would appreciate a little more consideration.

Thank you.

Wine talks.

2005-12-09T20:10:00.000+02:00

So, it's the first Friday night I've spent at home since I got here I think and I have a bottle of Californian merlot, cool tunes playing (gave up on the Christmas carols ... I decided it was too pathetic), candles burning and yummy homemade soup in my belly. It's too cold to go outside and to be honest, I can't be fucked.
It's a perfect opportunity to do some writing ... and, truth be told, the wine is very inspiring.

First of all I'd like to write about my job. I love my job. It's the kind of job that I have always dreamed of having. I work with a bunch of rocking little kids who make me smile just thinking about them. The thing I love about working with kids is that they are totally sincere. I asked one of the 3 year olds the other day if he liked my new jumper. He laughed at me and responded with a very emphatic "no". I appreciate this kind of honesty. Of course, he couldn't explain why he didn't like it, and I'm not sure I need to resort to taking fashion advice from someone who wear a t-shirt with ducks and left over breakfast on it ... but at least he had a strong opinion. And they make me play. I love to play! I get to run after them and fall over and make up silly stories and pretend and sing and laugh and this is all part of my job. I guess I'm making up for that year of kindergarten I missed out on. Everyday at work I realise how incredibly wonderful life is and how much I want to make the most of it. This job makes me soooo happy and more importantly ... it makes me feel uselful.

The next wonderful aspect of my life at present is all these wicked people around me. I am constantly amazed that I have managed to find so many interesting and genuinely lovely people who want to be friends with me. For someone who has spent most of her life complaining about difficulties in meeting people, this is truly extraordinary. I guess I'm a late bloomer when it comes to friends. But now, here in this little Northern European city, I have a bunch of very different, but very cool friends. Apart from those I have preciously mentioned, there's A, the product manager for a major car company who swears he can salsa, throws snowballs at me and makes me laugh for hours. J, who tells me lovely things, rubs my back, calls me at 4am when he's pissed and I'm asleep and have to get up in 3 hours ... but I talk to him anyway because he's so sincere and lovely. Female A, she loves her job (I'm still not sure what she does!), tries to get the most out of life and is fantastic at encouraging everyone else to do likewise ... she also whips ass at Scrabble! There's K who is a woman that puts Audrey Hepburn to shame. She is totally cool, sophisticated and simply sweet as pie ... but, as I'm discovering, she has a wicked side too which I love even more. G, the young student who drinks whenever he can, plays football whenever he can't drink and who I've never actually met. We chat online ... flirting about our future meeting, which will never happen if I can help it ... the mystery is too delicious, we're bound to disappoint each other.
There are others that I run into constantly ... but I'll leave it at these few for now as the wine is beginning to slow me down.

Someone commented on one of my previous posts by saying that maybe I am happy when I'm unhappy (paraphrasing). But this is not true. It's not that I want to be unhappy ... it's more that I feel as though I shouldn't be happy. I feel like I'm not doing enough ... not fulfilling my potential. But you know what ... for everyone out there who thinks I need help on how to be happy: I love my life. I just need to learn to realise that it's okay to. Then I'll be happy.

This is great wine by the way ... it'd go really well with some chocolate icecream ...

Christmas

2005-12-09T19:13:00.000+02:00

I'm feeling the Christmas spirit. Nostalgia and sentimentality are clouding my mind and making me dream of Christmases before.

Childhood Christmases ... waking up at 5am. The impatience of having to wait for the adults to rise so we could open the "hundreds" of gifts under the tree. Fidgeting through the church service. Swimming in the pool or at the beach. The extravangant lunch of cold seafood, so much chocolate, plum pudding with custard. Then the annual Christmas concert my cousin and I would perform after a week of intensive rehearsal. The applause ringing in our ears for the rest of the lazy afternoon.

Extended Family Christmas ... One year at Mum's, next year at Dad's. Different cousins, more presents, twice as much food. Lugging presents all over the state and back. Then in later years: Boyfriend's Mum's on Christmas Eve, Boyfriend's Dad's on Christmas Day, fly across the country, do it all again. Too many presents, too much food, too many people. Christmas is losing it's charm.

Perth Orphan Christmas ... where I discovered it was a bad idea to end a relationship so near the festive season. 38 degrees celcius. Cricket in the backyard. All of us "orphans" drunk on cheap sparkling wine before 11am. Tandoori prawns for Christmas lunch. Dvds and the air conditioner as my company in the afternoon. Enjoying the solitude for once.

And the New York Christmas ...
Waking up in that Brooklyn apartment. Opening presents in bed (one of us anyway!). Eating chocolates till we were ill. Cooking my first roast. Walking hand in hand across the empty park. Drinking bottle after bottle of that wonderful beer. Laughing at the silly carols at that bar. And the bittersweet knowledge that this was the first and the last time ...

And now ...
11 days to go. What will this year bring? New friends. Good food. Snow.

I'll keep lighting my candles, keep watering my poinciana, keep drinking my glögi, keep listening to my carols ... and I'll try to keep in mind what Christmas is all about for me:

love

Feeling the bite.

2005-12-08T19:37:00.000+02:00

I walk out of my apartment. The chill hits me in a way I haven't felt before. It seems to burrow into my bones and wrap itself around the marrow. Instinctively I brace myself against the wind. Hunched shoulders, head down, arms folded. Hold myself stiff.
I want to wrap my scarf tighter and pull my hat lower, but I can't bring myself to uncurl my arms from around my chest.
Head down. Walk faster.
I sit at the bus stop. The metal seat tattoos my thighs ... so cold it feels like searing heat. I stand up. I walk. I stamp.
I clench and unclench my hands to keep the blood moving.

It's not even cold here yet.

Ready or Not

2005-12-07T20:27:00.000+02:00

Fugees. Live. Awesome.
I've been trying to write this post for almost a week now and I just can't describe the energy of this concert. The sound wasn't great and the venue sucked ... but this is the kind of concert that you feel within your heartbeat. It stays with you.
In a word, The Fugees: ROCKED.

It's just one thing.

2005-12-02T06:59:00.000+02:00

So it's December. I can't quite believe it. 6 months I've been here. People are going to stop being so forgiving for my lack of Finnish soon, I'd better get my shit together.
It's funny when you wake up one day and realise you are doing exactly what you want to be doing or what you thought you'd be doing and you're still unsatisfied. I mean, there are still things I am hoping to do: get gigs, get fit, go iceskating, pay my debts etc. But basically, I should be blissfully happy.

I live in the country I've always dreamed about and I love it.
I have some incredible friends here and abroad.
The rest of Europe is just a stone's throw away.
I have a job that I really enjoy doing AND gives me responsibility and goals to work toward.
I am perfectly healthy.
Most people I know are healthy and happy.

So what am I missing? Love? Passion? Material things? Religion? Children?

I don't know and it's quite frustrating.
The thought that has occured to me many times over the years crops up again ... maybe I won't ever be blissfully happy? Perhaps it's just not in me. Happy, yes, almost all of the time. But really really feeling like my life is wonderful and complete happy? Just not my thing I guess.
In the past this hasn't concerned me because I've always had somewhere to go, someone to wait for, something to dream about ... but now I don't. That alone should make me happy ... but what goes first? Our dreams or our will to live?

Sorry, this isn't meant to sound so depressing. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal, just thinking out loud.

I guess I should come up with a new plan and work towards that. Maybe I'll join a religious cult somewhere and dye my hair blue.

One true thing...

2005-11-29T21:22:00.000+02:00

Sometimes someone does something that is so sweet and thoughtful that you just want to hug the whole world.
My new friend just rang me from the Elton John concert here in Helsinki so that I could hear "Tiny Dancer" being performed.
"Hold me closer Tiny Dancer... count the headlights on the highway... lay me down in sheets of linen... had a busy day today"
I did have a short dilemma filled moment while deciding whether it was too sad to sing along or not!
Thank you new friend. You totally made my night!
(By the way Travelling Diva... his name starts with A and he's not married. Shall I introduce you?)

This feeling...

2005-11-28T19:02:00.000+02:00

I have a bad feeling in my stomach. I know it's not hunger because I just ate. It's something else.
I'm not sure what it could be because everything is going well and I haven't done anything recently that could come back on me negatively. But this foreboding feeling that won't go away.

So, can everyone I haven't been in contact with recently please email me just so I know everything is ok.

2005-11-26T19:21:00.000+02:00

I arrived back from London (which stayed sunny for all of half an hour and then degenerated into windy rainy porridge type weather) and Finland is beautiful! It's snowing and all is white and wintery and wonderful.
Fell in love with it all over again.

So, the London trip... here's the brief story:

Wednesday:
Wandered around Oxford Circus and Camden Town (as previously mentioned). Finally found both t-shirt and bag. Felt happy I didn't have to shop anymore.
Went back to Mike's. Watched Neighbours... loved it. Ate steak and Guiness pie... loved it too.
Met Mandy for dinner (yes, after eating the pie!)... loved her.
But I felt very anxious about my impending lack of employment all day.
Went back to Mike's and drank wine with his housemates. Took the piss out of the tv show they were watching. They loved me doing that (yeah, really).

Thursday:
Decided I was going to be cultural today.
Went to the Tate Modern, National Museum and Portrait Museum... loved them all.
Couldn't deal with the suspense anymore. Checked my email.
I'm employed.
Smiled lots and withdrew more pounds.
Treated myself to a glass of champers at Rueben's Hotel on Buckingham Palace Road (Mike was playing there).
Went back to Mike's. Drank more wine with his housemate and discussed life.
Got drunk.
Mike and other housemates came home.
They got drunk.
Played with stuffed Disney toys.
I took photos.
Fell asleep on the couch. Party pooper.

Friday:
Woke up realising everything was working out wonderfully. Smiled all day.
Went to Tate Britain. Loved the collection, particularly the Stuart and Tudor portraiture.
Saw Mandy's opera. A delightful Mozart comedy written at the tender age of 19... although for Mozart that wasn't so tender. Was truly inspired.
Met Mike and Phil.
Was truly inspired to have a beer.
Many beers later... was truly inspired to fall asleep.
But instead caught the plane back to Tampere and my new white world.

So all in all, London was fun and I had a great time, but I was more than happy to come back home.

Now, my life begins anew.
The new job, soon to be a new house (oh god, moving again!!!) and am definitely working towards music now. I'm going to be singing again soon...

2005-11-23T16:38:00.000+02:00

It's sunny here in old London town. I'm walking around Camden Markets without a hat, scarf or my gloves!
I am trying to find a couple of things... bag, t-shirt for Kati... but I've been shopping for about 1\2 hour and I'm already over it!
Now, I'm sitting in an internet cafe\asian restaurant checking to see whether I am employed or not... still no answer. This is very frustrating! It means the difference between that 5 quid bag or the 15 quid one.
I really just want to go back to Mike's, get some Indian take out, some beer and watch TV all night.
Is that totally pathetic? I am going to do lots of cultural things tomorrow and Friday... but tonight... I need to veg.
Right, back off to find this fucking bag! If it's the last thing I do!!!!!

London calling (again)

2005-11-22T07:23:00.000+02:00

Off to London for a few days. Post more when I return.
Going to be cultured.
Go to galleries, museums, the opera...
Going to speak only English for 4 days.
Rock and roll.

2005-11-19T13:04:00.000+02:00

Well folks, that's all!
My time at the restaurant is almost over. Last shift tonight. Shaping up to be a killer. The restaurant is booked 3 times over and we are down one waiter. Rock and roll!!!!
But I won't care. I'll be smiling at everyone, skipping to get the food, hugging customers at random because after tonight, none of this stress will be mine anymore. I am escaping!
I feel sorry for those I must leave behind, but I know they'll follow shortly.

But I must say... I'll miss it. I'll miss the customers. I'll miss the feeling of anticipation before the start of a busy night. I'll miss that feeling exhiliration when the restaurant is booked and you have to think of five different things at once and you do it all and you feel so... proud. The pace, the constant energy, the excitement. When it works it's fun.
When it doesn't work it's hell.

Who knows where my next restaurant job will be? Maybe this will be my last EVER shift in a restaurant... so you know what? I'm going to enjoy myself one last time!

Homesick

2005-11-16T11:00:00.000+02:00

It's a beautiful sunny day here in Finland. We hadn't seen the sun for a week and now it's here and it's wonderful.
Although the sun seems to have brought the REAL start of Winter.
In the past two days it's dropped 9 degrees! But we can deal with cold if there is sun.

All I can think of today is Melbourne. The thought of not seeing it for another 6 months hurts my stomach and brings tears to my eyes.
My friends, the coffee, the movies, the live music, the bars, the food, the people...
Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine that when I open them I'll be waking up in my little St. Kilda flat. I'll walk out into the summer sun and down to my favourite cafe for a soy flat white. Read The Age and eavesdrop on people's conversations.
Then I'll catch a tram to the other side of the city and window shop in Brunswick St. Eat a tempeh burger at The Vegie Bar and have a Coopers at one of my favourite bars.
Or maybe I'll catch the ferry to Williamstown and eat fish and chips on the beach before catching it back for a drink at The Espy, waiting for a band to begin.
I'll meet up with my mates and eat felafel at 1am as we stumble on the the next gig. Run into old friends in random places and chat for hours.
Or I'll sit in a little cafe in one of the back alleys and watch the business people bustling to and from lunch then go to the beach and sit on the jetty, letting the warm sun make me drowsy.

I'm happy here... but it's not home. I might have Finland in my blood, but it's not in my heart.
In the words of Christine Anu... "My island home is waiting for me."

Happy happy joy joy... (and no, I'm not intoxicated)

2005-11-13T04:15:00.000+02:00

I can't stop smiling. I'm not even sure why...
I could very well be unemployed in a week, I haven't done a thing in the past few days, it's 4 am... but fuck, I'm happy.
Why am I happy?
Hmmm.... many reasons.
I'm happy because:
I can walk to work in the dark and appreciate the lights in the trees while sipping on my lukewarm soy latte.
I can still enjoy my job even though at any moment I know my boss may start screaming at me.
I know how to tell people what the house aperitive is in Finnish.
I can recommend wine with authority.
I have had two international phone calls in the past few days from people who simply rang to say they were thinking of me.
I have had two friends tell me how much they love me in the past 24 hours.
I salsa danced last night.
I don't have to go to work tomorrow.
My hair has grown past my shoulders.
I get to go to work on Monday.
My ankle doesn't hurt that much anymore.
The rain was so light tonight that it felt like being covered in dew.
I am young, healthy, alive and determined to remain this way.

2005-11-12T12:08:00.000+02:00

Last night I got sent home in disgrace at 9pm from work for doing my job calmly and efficiently. Apparently this makes me lazy. I should be running around looking flustered... then I'm really working. My boss screamed at me for 10 minutes about the lack of work I was doing and how much I irritated her, then sent me home.
Wow! What a punishment! Getting to leave early on a Friday night!
I feel like I'm in some kind of alternate universe when I'm at that place.
So, once I had got over my initial shock of being yelled at, I went dancing.
I found €20 and had a great night!
Instant karma perhaps?

I used to be...

2005-11-11T14:41:00.000+02:00

I used to be thin.
I used to work in a job that I enjoyed.
I used to understand what people said to me all the time.
I used to speak more Spanish.
I used to see live music every week.
I used to dance more.
I used to be someone's girlfriend.
I used to call myself a singer.
I used to write music regularly.
I used to get up in the morning and feel good.
I used to do yoga everyday.
I used to eat well.
I used to speak to my mother every week.
I used to be able to walk without my feet hurting.
I used to be lonely.
I used to be younger.
I used to have potential.
I used to have more money.
I used to think Finland would be paradise.
I used to think I'd have a family by 26.
I used to have more male friends.
I used to have less female friends.
I used have more energy.

I still dream...

Update:

2005-11-09T11:18:00.000+02:00

It's been a busy week. I'm kind of exhausted and my head is full of green snot (lovely imagery eh?).

I started my new job at the English Day Care centre last Tuesday and I LOVE working there. The difference between working there and my other job is colossal! The kids are adorable, the staff are fantastic and I actually feel more calm when I'm there then when I'm not. There is the possibility of a full time position there (at present it's only 2 days a week) so my fingers are so crossed they're becoming arthritic.

I quit my old job on Friday. The mind games and constant physical pressure just got too much. So, two more weeks and never again. I will write more about this at a later date. I think I need some distance to present a clear and unemotional report of my time there (if I wrote about it now it would just involve a lot of swearing).

My friend visited from London on the weekend. My first visitor! But I had to work every night, so I left him in the capable arms of Kati who, naturally, totally charmed him and now he can't wait to come back... maybe not to see me this time though. But we had a great weekend. As the weather was drizzly, grey and gloomy, we took him on a three day pub crawl. I introduced him to my wonderfully exotic collection of friends and we took lots of stupid photos. We even managed to salsa in an empty bar at one point!

My ankle is still swollen and my feet are constantly aching... but I'm hoping it's a psychosomatic condition related to the restaurant. I'll probably feel wonderful in a couple of weeks.

Discovering friendship.

2005-11-03T12:27:00.000+02:00

This morning I discovered that my friends care about me so much that they become somewhat worried if I do not reply to text messages within 24 hours. I was awoken by an international call at 7.30am by a concerned friend who just wanted to make sure I was still alive and well. I am.
As much as I appreciate the concern, I am somewhat bemused by it.
I guess it's been a LONG time since I have had anyone in my life who would actually notice if I have been out of contact for a day. In fact the last person to notice this would have been my Mum back when I still lived at home!
Don't get me wrong, it's lovely to feel so important and looked after... but also a little scary. This means I have to take into consideration other people's feelings again! Oh no! I can't just run off into the forest and live out my hermit dream without letting a few people know my plans first. I'm so used to being totally independent (and alone) and being the one to contact people first.
It is nice to feel loved though...

A religious experience

2005-10-30T11:56:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I go to a concert that completely reconfirms my belief in music. Last night was one of these.
Sigur Ros.

I wish I was a writer so that I could describe this concert in words.

Jonsi's voice kind of washes over you as though you were standing under a waterfall. It's heavy and intense. You find yourself breathing in time with the drums. You close your eyes and let your head fall back. You want to open your arms and hold the sound. But you can't so it punches you in the chest and makes you gasp. There is nothing else but this sound. It's not even pretty or comforting now... it's almost painful. You close your eyes tighter to block it out when you think you can't take any more and you feel like you will fall over. And then it stops. And you breathe normally again. And then you smile.

http://download.sigur-ros.co.uk/sigur_ros_untitled8.mp3

Purpose

2005-10-29T13:57:00.000+03:00

I've been reading other people's blogs again.

People who I don't even know.

People who may not even exist for all I know.

But the weird thing is, I take comfort in their blogs and I find them strangely inspiring.

The thing about these blogs I like is these people have a purpose. And whatever shit happens to them along the way, they are still on the way to something. I think maybe I should try this.

So... a purpose... hmmmm.
I guess I could go with the obvious one: become a successful singer.
So now I just need a plan (hey, this is easy! Why didn't I think of this earlier? My life could've been so much simpler!)

Okay... think... plan...

Step one:

Find some good musicians.
Okay, I can do this. I'll put some ads up around the Uni's, ask some musician friends. Yeah, this step is definitely achievable.

Step two:

Write some songs.
I even have a few up my sleeve already. I just need to bribe some nice young English boy to let me use his piano regularly and I can do this too.

(So far so good...)

Step three:

Rehearse the songs.
So this is where it starts to become tricky. To achieve this I need musicians willing to rehearse and a room bigger enough to fit them all in.

Step four:

Record demo.
This will require some organising and money on my part. Need a studio, an sound engineer and money to pay for both.

Step five:

Take promotional shots.
This is easy - hire Kati.

Step six:

Get gigs.
This is the point that I always fall down. This requires a lot of sellling myself. Lots of smiling at the right people. Hand shaking. Hassling venues. Haggling about money. Organising sound checks, equipment, payment. Making sure lots of people come and enjoy themselves. And then come the following week too. More smiling. More of the same conversations. More selling.

BUT...
I'll try it anyway.

Stay tuned...

Glad to Be Unhappy

2005-10-28T11:29:00.000+03:00

There has been so much talk about LOVE in my circle of friends at the moment. Some want it, some have it but don't want it, some don't realise they have it and still think they want it, and some just don't want it. Well, to be honest, I don't think anyone doesn't want it... they just pretend they don't.
But I'm not talking about the general LOVE that is enjoyed by all, but the romantic LOVE that seems to be only enjoyed my masochists.
To be in LOVE is to be in constant fear that it might end. It's like a drug. You know it's bad for you because you can't control it, but for those few minutes when you get your hit... it's like being under heaven's spotlight. But when the light fades and life intrudes, LOVE becomes a hassle. Those who have it sit in their smug little towers and try desperately not to leave them. Those who don't spend their time trying to scale the walls and be allowed in, while trying not to seem to desperate. Both states require so much work!
Unrequited LOVE is the answer. Just LOVE someone who won't ever LOVE you back. You get all the anguish of not having someone LOVE you, but with all the smugness of being in LOVE. People feel sorry for you, but secretly jealous because you are in complete control of this LOVE. You don't have to worry about the other person's feelings because you already know they don't exist, therefore they won't change. If you decide not to be in LOVE anymore, then that's easy too because you have nothing invested in this person. And it's a great excuse to give unwanted suitors.
So, I am going to start suggesting all my friends find someone to be in LOVE with, but someone completely unobtainable. So then we'll all be happily miserable ever after!

Lyrics to Glad to be Unhappy by Rodgers and Hart.

"Fools rush in, so here I am
Very glad to be unhappy
I can'�t win, but here I am
More than glad to be unhappy

Unrequited love�'s a bore
And I'�ve got it pretty bad
But for someone you adore
It'�s a pleasure to be sad"

Umo Jazz House

2005-10-26T14:22:00.000+03:00

I FINALLY made it to this venue last night to see The Joona Toivanen Trio. These guys I met in Perth years ago and I always promised I would look them up when I got to Finland. When I arrived in June and emailed them I was amazed they remembered me!
Anyway, they are three young guys from Jyväskylä who are studying in Stockholm and Helsinki. Of course everyone studies here for years and years and years!
These guys are awesome! They played two original sets of beautiful, if somewhat melancholic music. I haven't seen a group who play together so well. I mean, these guys really play together! It's like their hearts all beat at the same time... it's beautiful to listen to.
Hearing them has totally inspired me to practice and write more. Anyone want to donate a piano to my cause?

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

2005-10-26T13:19:00.000+03:00

Okay, so it's cold and snowing... well, the rain has turned into soft ice that is coating my part of the world like icing. It looks very pretty until it's starts to get all slushy and dirty. It's starting to look like icing that has been regurgitated now (i.e. vomit).
But I'm not complaining. If there's snow, soon there will be ice, then there will be ice skating (and then there will be hospital for me no doubt).

I've been thinking recently about how much Finland has changed in the past few decades. It is certainly not the Finland of my childhood stories. Though I guess up North and in the country things are probably a bit different to down here in the sophisticated big city (he he he).

My Grandfather refused to believe that there could be "dark" Finns. Now, I catch the bus everyday with more Finns from Africa, Asia and the Middle East than Finns born in Finland!

I appreciate living in a multicultural city and I'm glad I have the opportunity to get to know people from these different cultures. But to be honest, and I don't know if this is good or bad, it's not often it ever occurs to me people are from a different country. I am honestly surprised at times when my friend from Kenya will make a reference to himself being black. It doesn't even register that there is a difference most of the time. Is this being culturally insensitive or am I just really unconcious to my surroundings?

The other day I was walking down the street and a woman caught my attention for two reasons. Firstly because she was talking in a strong English accent very loudly, and secondly because she had the most amazing afro I'd ever seen. So after I passed her I took a second look back at her hair. She then started yelling (not specifically at me) that "yes, people do come from different places and have different coloured skin". For a minute I was considering putting on my broadest Aussie accent and telling her that I realised that, but thought better of it.
I have not been a minority very often. In Japan I was and to be honest I really didn't notice much racism. I know others did and once again, maybe I just didn't realise it. But I do think that at times people can be misunderstood and misrepresented as rascist simply because they look like the majority.

A friend here was telling me about the number of people who have accused her of being racist simply because she didn't agree with their ideas and opinions. This friend is certainly not racist or prejudiced in the slightest.
My own mother once suggested I was anti semetic because I didn't like a certain book which happened to be written by a Jewish author. I was incredibly insulted by this suggestion, especially as one of my closest friends is Jewish and at the time I lived in the Jewish part of Melbourne! I am not anti semetic... I just didn't like that book.

The thing I am learning about people is that it doesn't matter where you come from or what you believe in... everyone is much the same. Within my group of multicultural friends race is NEVER an issue. I doubt any of us even give it a second thought. We are just us and that's all there is to it.

I also don't understand why people are so insulted if you dare suggest they come from elsewhere than there home country. People have assumed I come from England, Canada, America, New Zealand, Sweden (before I speak) and Finland. I couldn't care less. Why do Canadians get so insulted if they are asked if they are from the US? And Indians if they are from Pakistan?
There is no insinuation... I'm just curious. It may be negligence on my part to not recognise certain characteristcs of different countries but it is not meant to be malicious or rude.

I think everyone should stop pretending it matters where you are from and concentrate on the really important aspects of life... like simply enjoying it without the added complications. History is history. It should be remembered and respected but not used as a weapon.

Thus ends my soapbox rant...

If I managed to offend anyone than you missed my point.

Helsinki... City of lurve.

2005-10-24T22:40:00.000+03:00

Someone has sprinkled diamonds all over the cars on my street.
Or at least that's what I first thought as I walked home in my wine induced haze, touching the windshields in infantile fascination... until a car alarm went off and had me hobbling to my house as quick as my feeble ankle could carry me.

It's 2 degrees. I'm fucking freezing but thanking the infinite being for giving me the foresight to purchase my wonderful red jacket and fluffy boots in time for the chill. Now I just need some gloves so I can feel my hands...

I must admit I'm very easy to please. One day out of the house with people I love and I feel on top of the world.
I had lunch with the wonderful "K" and although both of us spent the first 40 minutes whinging and feeling sorry for ourselves and the state of our "pathetically normal" lives by the end of the lunch we had planned an End of Autumn, Halloween Eve, Pot Luck Picnic Party on the Esplanade. Outside on the Esplanade in the evening. The idea of an outside dinner party in the middle of the city at the end of October sounded like a brilliant one while we were sitting in a warm restaurant. When we walked out into the wind and felt 4 degrees of chill seep into our bones we began to have second thoughts. However, we are determined to go ahead with it... in a week I may be dead from exposure so I hope you cherish this last week of thoughts!

I printed resumes and cover letters to begin my search for more employment and discovered that the city library has a very nice selection of good looking men working for them... note to self: must make full use of library facilities.
I found myself in the post office trying to decide between A4 and A3 envelopes when a friend of a friend decided this was a good time to formally introduce himself (after we'd spent the best part of an hour ending up in the same places and wondering why we knew each other) and suggest we get together sometime... you know "we're both alone here...". In a moment of weakness and confusion (if he's a friend of a friend does that mean he's hitting on me and is it rude if I don't agree to hang out sometime?) I gave him my number. I really hope he doesn't call because I really can't remember his name and considering his friend has professed his undying love to me on many an occasion (of course this is usually at 2am when his words are so slurred he could be admitting something totally different) I don't think it would be such a great idea. Time to avoid all "number unknown" calls...

I then met my lovely Russian friend "I" who made me laugh solidly for almost 5 hours. Her talent for describing our work situation had me in stitches and everyone else in the bar looking on enviously. I only wish I had her ability to make our job so funny... the thought of returning actually makes me feel quite ill.
But I had missed her so much and it was a wicked evening. We practiced my Finnish and worked on her Ab Fab English accent. Apparently we are going to Monte Carlo in the near future and she must have a convincing English accent to woo the rich men (?)... I guess I must have missed whatever led to this, but I felt it was best just to go with the flow and hope she wasn't serious!

And then as I walked home, with her laughter still ringing in my ears I noticed the frost all over the cars and I was entranced by all the sparkles. Once again I am in love with this little city full of crazy beautiful people who love me. All is good.